What is your legacy?

This week has been difficult, as I am trying to get many things done for school, and more. It's hard, but I must remember to take one day at a time. Tomorrow I do have a german test, that I am extremely nervous about, it will be beneficial, but can also be discouraging at the same time.

Father is doing many things here, he is definitely working in the lives of a few close friends I have here. It's exciting to see students who are truly seeking truth, and the answers. My hope is that I am able to speak truth into their lives, that Father uses me and the other believers around me to encourage and lift up and show truth to them.

I also got an email from S in HB (hamburg). The family is doing well there, but many changes are happening- not big changes, but ones that are essential and important. Amazing opportunities are arising, and I'm excited to see what Father is doing in that area.


So many times it is easy to allow ourselves to feel weak and weary, especially when we have physical illnesses, and emotional pains. It is difficult to look to Father and so many times we even question him, but looking at the bigger picture and the answered prayer I have seen this week, He excites me.

I ask you to continue to join with me in prayer over what Father is doing now, where you are.

The sing song chirps of the neighborhood birds filled the air, as the crisp weather blew the sound of leaves rustling against each other to her ear. It sounded like two seasons mixed together: Fall and Spring, yet it did not feel as such. Sitting on the bench in front of her dorm, she began to swing her legs back and forth as she was young.

She thought of the night before, the conversation, the confusion in her heart, the tears she cried. It was a simple conversation; conversation regarding philosophy, beliefs, and the latest German homework.

However, it was the aspect of being silent that hurt her heart. Why did he not let her speak or give her opinion? It probably was a good thing, because putting her thoughts into comprehensive spoken words is usually a challenge for her; she probably would have only made things worse.

Finding herself with her eyes closed and imagining the days of swings and laughing, she discovered she was becoming lost in nostalgia, perhaps so she could avoid the present.

If only she had the right words. She had the knowledge, she had the faith, but somewhere a long the line her faith became a matter of simply knowing and believing, and serving; rather than knowing much about the “non-essential” aspects of her faith. Perhaps, the non-essential aspects to her are the essential aspects to others. In this sense, she needs to be ready in more ways than one – to give reason for the hope she has. After all, this was her heart’s cry.

Jesus, in spite of his busy calender, never failed to keep in mind His prime directive - to seek and save those who are lost. (Luke 19:10). In the midst of his busyness, He took the time to lift up His eyes and see the multitudes. The Bible goes on to say, "And seeing the multitudes, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and downcast like sheep without a shephard."

When I get busy, I tend to forget the most imprtant reason why I'm here- my prime directive: to make more and better disciples. (Matt 23:18-20)! In fact, unlike Jesus, the busier I become, the more I lose compassion for the lost. It doesn't take much for the multitudes to become more of a stumbling block to impede my effectiveness rather than a reason for becoming effective....A long line is an obstacle rather than an opportunity.

The truth is, compassion cannot be something pushed on us from obligation, it is something that comes out from within. In fact, the world "compassion" used of Jesus in this passage literally means "bowels" - it is something you feel in your gut....

I cannot accept that if we love Jesus we will be able to sit back and sunbathe while millions all arounds us drown. I believe that the reason we don't feel compassion is that we don't really see the multitudes are indeed drowning.

-Niel Cole; Cultivating a Life for God

As many know, this past semester I have spent in San Angelo, Texas studying German and Journalism. This next semester will be spent doing the same, and I look forward to it, as I am preparing for my studies abroad. Father has presented me many opportunities in relationships with believers and nonbelievers -- opportunities that allow me to seek after him more and more in striving to understand and know him better, and opportunities in which my heart for him and for his people continually grows. My prayer is that He continually breaks me and humbles me and allows me to see those as he sees them. After much prayer this past semester, I have come to the decision to spend not only the school year (october through august) in Hannover, but to spend the summer in Hamburg Germany with some wonderful people who live there. Father is providing me great opportunity to learn about him, to reach the nations, and to live a prayerful life, while being poured into and pouring out at the same time.

Soon you will see on this site answers to the following questions:
Why Overseas?
Why Germany?
Why Hamburg/Hannover?
Why Go at all?
How can I pray?
How can I support?
How can I go?

I plan to spend this semester researching many different things that Father will hopefully help use to prepare my heart for this journey here in Texas and also overseas. I am hoping to use this site to keep you guys updated about the upcoming year and also the process of getting to Germany. (For example: I may meet with a German student in San Angelo to discuss the German perception of God/Religion and the differeciation between the two - if one at all) I am also thankful to Reach Garland, who is helping me tremendously in this process.
(www.reachgarland.com)

Holy Fire... Burn away my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me

Empty me.

-- and here I enter into what is known as... America.. to start anew.. to begin something else. Leaveing a life I've been living for 2 mo. and entering a new one that is old yet new...

www.impulseponderingsofagirlnamedlara.blogspot.com

It's the moments like these I will never forget, the moments like these I will miss. Something like going all out and wearing the German colors with pride is really something no one in America can or will understand. Yeah, I know I will miss that. I have loved it here, and I don't want to leave, but God is calling me too. My time here for now... is up, and God may be calling me back, but who knows my friends.. who knows..

Hey guys, it is pretty much my last chance to use the internet while here in Germany, and so it's weird to say this is my last entry before coming home, and my last entry on this blog before returning here-- God has done so much this summer, I don't even know where to begin...

To say I'm not ready to return home would be a lie, but I am also not ready to leave
I'm excited to see where God is takign me and taking my fellow interns in the future.
I simply cannot wait

I love you
Lara

I don't really know the reason of this post other than to simply post pictures of a couple of people who I absolutely love and are close to my heart. :)






So basically, I have no life.
I am really sickly feeling today. I believe I have a sinus infection i.e. Mom can you make me an appointment for when I get back-- I believe I caught the Linley disease.. uhmm basically that is a sinus infection. I don't want to deal with the crazy psycho doctors here, so I will go see Nicole Counselman, because she will give me antibiotics. I obviously am on some type of weird drugs (sinus medicine) because this is a weird post.

I am so TIRED!!! I do NOT know where to begin. This new hair do is nice, but it requires me to take my showers in the morning. Boo!!

This week so far has been quite amazing. I am actually updating at postcardsfromedgeu.blogspot.com - CRAZY! i know!!

The students this week and the interns have been such an amazing encouragement to me this week. It is so cool to see their hearts continually and more so break for this nation as the summer and the week continues. They have such a passion for this country.

Today A. became a family member. I have never met this girl, but I have passionately kept her in my prayers, so it is so exciting that I get to hear about her become a family member!!!

I am also extra excited b/c S and M are here this week!

Alright.. adios ninjas!

this is me definately talking to chelsie while she is taking my picture:
this is me sitting on a chair while damaris whipped out the camera and took my picture. pssh.
this is me ignoring the camera-person



I decided I needed an adventure. And getting a haircut in a foreign land with very little communication with the gay german hair dresser was quite the decision.. but i did it. and these aren't great pictures but whatev.

There’s something about life, something about it that makes it so intriguing, so mysterious. Beneath the surface there is something so poetic about life, that makes us long to hear about struggle and joys of other people. Songs, music, movies, art, coffee shops-- conversation. Life.

What do I want out of life? That’s a tough question. A question, I honestly can’t truly answer. There are many things I long for, that I want. Many things everyone longs for… happiness. I long for happiness. I long for the warmth of joyful tears falling down my face, I long for someone to hug me and for me to relax into their arms. I long for life…

Life. TRUE life. I want it.

I wrote that in January. I felt the obligation to post this. I know when I keep posting and posting, the entries become worthless, and important issues or posts i want read get lost in between the frivolous pointless entries.

Things have been going well. Yesterday was a day full of prayer. Jess, Ez-Cheez and I went through a "tour" book that takes you through a map of the city. As we went and read about the history it was nice to direct our prayers. It was interesting and God truly spoke through the experience.

I've really enjoyed and I still am enjoying this summer. It has been interesting, it has been exciting... it has been a spiritual battle... and still is! I love it! My apartment has been reading Deuteronomy - a book I cannot even spell... but to me it is amazing how Moses writes about God. First of all, it's obvious the reverence Moses has for our God and second I love how God is continually showing the people "hey you've stayed here long enough now go here" and they obey. I love it.

My best friend, Jordie, totally met these super cool cats in Bonn a couple of weeks ago. Last night they invited us to their church (www.jesusfreakskoeln.de) and it was simply amazing. I told my story to the whole church, and we got invited to a wedding... but we will be back in America when they have it. Afterwards we hung out and I want to tell you guys, that my friend Ilka is one of the coolest people i know. I thought I would never see her again, and I randomly saw her at a train stop blowing bubbles. I saw her again last night - she was in town for the gay parade. She told me.. "Jesus loves homos, he just doesn't love homosexuality" and she said she went because that is totally where Jesus would be... and that, I admired.



It makes me sad that I have to leave and maybe never see Ilka and Michael and the crew again, and I am so happy that God allowed me to meet them because of Jordie. I love Ilka's spirit. She reminds me so much of my friend Naomi. I truly believe and think of her as such a good friend. Last night during me sharing my story she kept smiling at me and then winked... she was constantly looking out for me when we were out and at the church... something i totally different expect. She has an amazing spirit, and I admire her heart so much.

This week we have gained two new members to our family. Not that I'm counting or anything, but it truly excites me.

I know my blog entries have not been up to par... i know, i know.


There is so much going on... so much I need prayer for. Discernment, decision making... worries, fears, insecurities... I could go on forever, and I hate being so vauge.

However, the problem with blogging is it is usually so easy to make everything about you.
Me-- I'm doing good, but at the same time confused and worried, sometimes upset.
But what is more important... is Father is doing HUGE things... things that are bigger than me, and my fears and insecurities, and who does and doesn't like me, or what i'm doing next summer or even the next.

I love that we cannot even begin to understand Father's mind. I love it.

The LTG I am in (Life Transformation Group) is studying and reading the book of Esther.
It was suggested by one of the girls, and I took her up on it… I haven’t read the book in a while and decided that reading it again definitely sounded like a good idea. We have yet to discuss this book yet, seeing as our LTG is tomorrow morning, but I decided to go ahead and make an entry regarding it.

Now, I don’t know all the background information, I don’t know the history, or even how to begin imagining what this time was like and what Esther looked like… however, I do see her heart, and her love for not only her people but her uncle, who had raised her…

What many do not know is upon deciding whether to go to Japan, my first iW trip, reading Esther was one of my “deciding points.” As a senior in high school, as I read Esther’s words of… “if I perish, I perish…” seemed to take away all earthly fear that was in me… (or close to it)..

Now, when Esther said this, she wasn’t talking about going and sharing Father’s name with others, she was speaking of saving the Jews… she was speaking about stepping out of what was considered right, breaking the law… and going to speak to the king. Today this continues to inspire me…

I want to be like Esther, proclaiming that if I perish, well then.. I perish. But me, stepping out of the norm, breaking the rules, going to church with 6 people in a dorm room or an apartment once a week instead of in a building (talkin’ America here.. not Deutschland) is fine… it doesn’t make me a ‘bad christian.’

This really challenges me while I’m here and for when I go home… I want to live on the edge, I want to go to the deep in, I want to GO to the dark places, the hard to reach places, but friends, read closely.. I can go all I want, but how useful am I, if when I go I cower in a corner and don’t step out of the comfort zone. I need to have the sense of near death… I want to be able to say, If I perish… I perish.

Something that is also cool is Esther means “star,” so my tattoo takes on even more meaning now, so now I am challenging myself to embrace this concept… of perishing. To live through Christ… and reach others. I need to truly GO… I need to speak out, I need to listen, I need.. to OBEY.

First off, Jordan's Mom and Grandma-- thank you SO much for your encouragement.
I cannot begin to explain how much Jordan means to me and how much she herself encourages me, i love getting on my blog and reading your encouraging notes. You guys are an amazing family, and I see where Jordan finds her passions and joys. She is an amazing girl, and lucky to have an awesome family. I know she has motivated me and been there for me. She's an authentic girl in love with Christ!

~~~

I am in love with Hamburg, Dad.

and yes, everyone this entry is for my dad, because he requested it.



Upon arriving in Hamburg, i was excited, confused, and curious to experience a new German city I had not been to yet. It was nice. Hamburg is a city, yet it has a home feeling. Not that Koeln doesn't, but Koeln is more like living in New York where as Hamburg would be more like.. living in Dallas. I dunno if that is a good example.

We spent most of our time relaxing, riding the ferry, watching a light show/fireworks one night, celebrating 4th of July/the Germany game, spending time at the beach... it was wonderful

The people we stayed with in Hamburg are amazing, and I cannot wait to work with them and get to know them better!!

For 4th of July we dressed up in our Germany Gear to watch them play Italy. sadly they lost, but it was a good time had...

and then we went to Hannover and it was great, and I am excited about going to school there...

that is all for now :)

This is a pointless, boring entry.
i hate those

Lara

for your enjoyment, or more so mine

my husband, (cari approved)



okay i am a liar i admit it!

I have always been into journaling, but for some reason this summer my journaling efforts have been below par. Part of it is simply my being lazy. I decide "meh, I'll just think it, i don't feel like writing it all out..." However, this summer hasn't been like any of the other summers... I am confused. Confused about so many things. A week ago I, along with 4 other girls got on a train to Hamburg. It was an amazing time. We traveled in our own room on the train-- much like a scene from Harry Potter, and we were filled with excitement at the traveling country side of Germany, the different sites, the different sounds-- ones that are so foreign to our eyes and ears.. we left our train window wide open, so it definately wasn't a quiet journey...But somehow, between the sound of the wind, the train on the tracks, and other trains rushing by, I was able to find silence... silence to sit and reflect, silence to journal and contemplate... Maybe there is something about sitting on a train that causes me to think about past, present and future-- something that truly allows me to evaluate my heart and allow God to search me.

This is the first summer I have felt far from God-- not that I only feel near to God in the summer... but this summer I find myself not only doubting myself, but doubting God.. and not just doubting God, but also doubting his existance... and then I just get frustrated, frustrated with myself.. and frustrated with him.

My prayer for myself and my team is simply that Father would be near, and I no longer would stay in the contemplateive, complacent mood, but would NOT be able to stay silent any more... I would have the passion to speak Christ's name , that I would find the passion to WANT and to LONG to spend time with him...

I am tired of doubting a God who is so REAL.

°°°°°

That was written this morning, during my quiet time. I wasn't going to share it but I felt the need to as I looked at the happenings of my day.. (oh and i have this kinda cool picture Chels took, that I will def add to this post when I am on my own computer...)

Today I did a lot of traveling, I went to Dusseldorf and also to Essen. In that time I was able to talk with friends, and get to know people more, but also Lin and I began a conversation (by the way, Colby.. if you read this..Lin cannot figure out how she has NOT met you yet.. and how she doesn´t know you, because pretty sure she is good friends with like all of your team from last year, she is quite hilarious) anyway, lets get past my a.d.d... lin and I talked with a girl and we came so close to sharing our story so many times....and we didn't, but you know... it was a step forward, and we were obedient... we talked with her pretty much the whole hour train ride.. and it was an excellent conversation about life! And she was very encouraging about my deutsch skills...

And then we arrived at Pizza night and found out some excellent news about a new member of the fam!! So exciting!!

Continue to pr for us and the team and for this area...

Father is showing me so much about my heart and my present and future, it is so exciting!!

Love ya all

ljo

i am in hamburg staying with some friends i will be working w/ in a year. I love it here, and i love the people I traveled with. They make my teeth sweat and they make me smile. hamburg is a lot different than koeln, and i love when people say they are hamburgers.

random fact: hamburgers are "citizens" of hamburg... they are also a meal... and are def raw meet on bread.
and yes they eat it like that.
i prefer american hamburgers... which was invented by a sailor who was all gross?!! raw meat? and so he grilled it.

okay bye.

more thought provoking blog entries later

Ljo

**warning i was def in a weird mood when i wrote this and side note to all of you.. i definately DID start falling asleep again at the fachhochschule while writing this and i decided not to repeat what I had done a couple of days before and I came back to the hostel and slept for 2 hours in the staff room... it was much needed sleep, but it's so hard to even WANT to sleep when you want to be on the field...



I am sitting in the Fachhochschule (school of applied sciences) in the library, watching people study. Okay…. No, watching GUYS study. Because you see, just like in America VERY FEW girls are interested in subjects such as engineering, and cars and polymer junk. I promise… the fact that there are MANY boys here, is definitely not the reason I feel inclined to spend so much time here. I just sat here asking a guy who speaks very little English what he is studying and he had to tell me like 3 times and it wasn’t that I didn’t understand what he was saying in Deutsch, nor did I understand the subject he was telling me in English, I just didn’t know what he was saying… because the topic is so over my head. He finally said, “cars, I study cars.” Ooooh Alright. Way to go me, not only am I a ‘dumb American’ I look like the token dumb American girl. So, why exactly do I feel called to this area? I have had a special place in my heart for this school since we had visited it last year, and this year, I have continually wanted to come to the school. And to make matters worse it seems J thinks this is where I need to be also. First of all, it’s confusing, because there are so few girls, second of all, I don’t understand anything about science… I would rather be at the university speaking with philosophy or journalism students. However, here I sit in the library watching people argue over what they are studying, watching people laugh and sip their coffee, watching people hold their head in their hands because they are so tired of studying. Sounds typical of a college library, ja?

However, as I sit here I notice that it is in the strangest places here that God stirs my heart… For example, the obvious is here, but I LOVE going to do my laundry. Not because the crazy cool machine that pours soap or being able to sit on a washing machine and listen to my ipod, but because people just sit there waiting on laundry and strike up conversations. People that I know I would see on the street and think “ooh scary, but what a cute dog” or someone I would see and think “man, I wish I had the drive to just say HI to this lady” are not so intimidating anymore. I think it has something to do with seeing someone's underwear as the put them in the washing machine that makes it easier to talk to them. Ah haha... psyche.

I made the mistake of telling M (a professor here at the school and a good friend of J’s) that I need to practice my German, because I’m going to school here in a year. Now he only speaks to me auf Deutsch!! I respond and he laughs, and probably thinks “there is no hope.” He did tell me not to listen to my favorite Soccer player’s German because it is horrible (he’s from Poland, and the poor guy… everyone gives him such a hard time about his accent…) I am very sad too though. Podolski is going to play for Bayern Munich. I don’t like Bayern because they buy all the good players and most of their fans are only fans so they can always be on the winning side. Whatev. AND Ballack is leaving Deutschland to play for Great Britain. My world is ruined. (actually the only reason I know all this junk is that the people who really do know it tell me so I act like I know it)

I got into a good conversation with my Turkish friend about Dirk Nowitzki… but Dirk hurt my feelings so we’re not talking about him right now.

Okay Awkward… I was sitting at an empty table and 4 german boys came to study. My heart is saying “okay please don’t talk to me… VERY awkward.” And then my heart asks, “God!! Why can’t you send a German GIRL to sit at my table, so that it doesn’t seem like I am ‘flirty fishing’ as I get into a conversation with them…” Agh. I just won’t talk to them OR make eye contact. They are studying physics looking junk anyway, so I definitely won’t get into a conversation because all I know about physics is that.. if I jump from a building I will hurt myself. That is basically it.

Seriously… what am I doing with my day? Am I just wasting it away? Or am I learning, am I thriving, am I finding God in the present moments? (Random thought: Germans have the coolest clothes ever) I get distracted by noise… not physical noise… noise such as: man, I am thirsty, or I don’t feel like doing such and such, or hmm I wonder what school is going to be like. (Another Random Thought: I am going to admit it, the boy sitting next to me is REALLY cute…*sigh*) And again, note the random thoughts.. what is that? NOISE.

So last night I was pondering… why does it always take me a while before I share my story. So much of me wishes I was like the apostles in Acts that could not stop speaking about what they had seen and heard… however, I don’t do that. I tend to wait until I get to know the person so well. A lot of me is like “well this story means so much to me, I can’t tell just anyone..” but then that upsets me because I TRULY do want EVERYONE to know. I mean, if I had just met you today I wouldn’t tell you my deepest longings and my deepest fears… I would wait until we knew each other like family, brother and sister, I would wait until I could trust you… I think that is how I am with my faith. I’m not giving myself an excuse as to why I don’t share as often as I should or could…as I sit here and evaluate, I come to believe it’s truly just how my personality is…

This week has been busy! Our first team arrived on Saturday, and it has been so wonderful watching them unleash on what is Germany. We also have an intern team in Duisburg.

I, myself, have been spending time at the Fachhochschule - which is the School of Applied Sciences. Yesterday, I decided to study some German in the library, which honestly was NOT too successful b/c i ended up falling asleep on a desk and woke up to the stares of many Germans... embarassing.

The ground is fertile.. and the seeds are being planted. I'm not sure what image that gives you, but I do know that the soil in Germany is constantly being poured over in prayer.. and I believe it is evident. The past few days it has been so clear that Father has been directly answering the small and also the BIG prayers that we have been praying.

God has been teaching us all so much... revealing how this summer is about HIM and making HIS name famous. I tend to fall into an emotional mind trap and I make myself my top priority. I think this is natural, as yes, we are human-- but i think there also truly becomes a point where I must claim and truly believe that He must become greater and I must become less...

Our prayer for our team and those coming through is focused around DESPERATION. Those on a rescue mission have such a desperation and drive to save the rescuee... We also being on a mission need and long for that desperate heart.

Pray for us and that we are desperate.

We must also remember that if we are truly immersing ourself in God's word and with him, we have no chance of failure...