What is your legacy?

I just woke up from a dream, and I'm not sure why I had it... because it hasn't been a topic I've been thinking about lately. I had a dream i was in K-Stadt working with students from Falls Creek. For some reason the students that week were really worried about numbers and the amount of people who were becoming believers. I was sitting on the u-bahn and the team was talking about it, and Linley and I were trying to stress the point that it isn't about numbers. Normally I don't remember words or what I "say" in dreams, but I said to one girl in particular, "you are so much more than a number to God, he KNOWS you and he KNOWS your name." I then began describing the following: "when I had to get my socialversicherungsausweis (social security card) in Germany, just as in the states I had to grab a number and wait. About 20 minutes later my number was called and it was my turn, but with Christ it's so much more than that. He calls me by NAME. He says 'Lara, come to me.' He knows that I'm weak and weary and he knows my faults and failures. He created me to be human, but he's calling me to go beyond myself and come to him."

1 "This is what the LORD says to his anointed,
to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
to subdue nations before him
and to strip kings of their armor,
to open doors before him
so that gates will not be shut:

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

4 For the sake of Jacob my servant,
of Israel my chosen,
I summon you by name
and bestow on you a title of honor,
though you do not acknowledge me.

5 I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,

6 so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
men may know there is none besides me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other.

7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

8 "You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.

9 "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands'?

10 Woe to him who says to his father,
'What have you begotten?'
or to his mother,
'What have you brought to birth?'

11 "This is what the LORD says—
the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:
Concerning things to come,
do you question me about my children,
or give me orders about the work of my hands?

12 It is I who made the earth
and created mankind upon it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
I marshaled their starry hosts.

13 I will raise up Cyrus in my righteousness:
I will make all his ways straight.
He will rebuild my city
and set my exiles free,
but not for a price or reward,
says the LORD Almighty."

14 This is what the LORD says:
"The products of Egypt and the merchandise of Cush,
and those tall Sabeans—
they will come over to you
and will be yours;
they will trudge behind you,
coming over to you in chains.
They will bow down before you
and plead with you, saying,
'Surely God is with you, and there is no other;
there is no other god.' "

15 Truly you are a God who hides himself,
O God and Savior of Israel.

16 All the makers of idols will be put to shame and disgraced;
they will go off into disgrace together.

17 But Israel will be saved by the LORD
with an everlasting salvation;
you will never be put to shame or disgraced,
to ages everlasting.

18 For this is what the LORD says—
he who created the heavens,
he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
"I am the LORD,
and there is no other.

19 I have not spoken in secret,
from somewhere in a land of darkness;
I have not said to Jacob's descendants,
'Seek me in vain.'
I, the LORD, speak the truth;
I declare what is right.

20 "Gather together and come;
assemble, you fugitives from the nations.
Ignorant are those who carry about idols of wood,
who pray to gods that cannot save.

21 Declare what is to be, present it—
let them take counsel together.
Who foretold this long ago,
who declared it from the distant past?
Was it not I, the LORD ?
And there is no God apart from me,
a righteous God and a Savior;
there is none but me.

22 "Turn to me and be saved,
all you ends of the earth;
for I am God, and there is no other.

23 By myself I have sworn,
my mouth has uttered in all integrity
a word that will not be revoked:
Before me every knee will bow;
by me every tongue will swear.

24 They will say of me, 'In the LORD alone
are righteousness and strength.' "
All who have raged against him
will come to him and be put to shame.

25 But in the LORD all the descendants of Israel
will be found righteous and will exult.

Lately, I have been thinking about 'art.' All aspects of it, but the question in my mind is, "is it better to be the artist, or the spectator?!" Since a class in my reading comprehension class, I posed this question to myself. I'm not even sure why I have been thinking about this so much, or if it even matters. But let's think: Is it better to be the ballerina or the violinist or the singer, or is it better to sit in the audience and appreciate the works? And then it's a question of intent. What is my intent as the performer? Am I performing for self, or for the audience or for some higher power? i.e. God. What is my intent as the spectator? To be cultured and appreciate 'the arts' as the world tells me I should? To lose myself in thoughts of life and wants while watching? Entertainment?

I'll end this post with the Preface of The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, it seems appropriate, and the words keep running through my mind.

The artist is the creator of beautiful things.

To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim.

The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new material his impression of beautiful things.

The highest as the lowest form of criticism is a mode of autobiography. Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming.

This is a fault.

Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope.

They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only beauty.

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written.

That is all.

The nineteenth century dislike of realism is the rage of Caliban seeing his own face in a glass.

The nineteenth century dislike of romanticism is the rage of Caliban not seeing his own face in a glass.

The moral life of man forms part of the subject-matter of the artist, but the morality of art consists in the perfect use of an imperfect medium. No artist desires to prove anything. Even things that are true can be proved.

No artist has ethical sympathies.

An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style. No artist is ever morbid. The artist can express everything.

Thought and language are to the artist instruments of an art.

Vice and virtue are to the artist materials for an art.

From the point of view of form, the type of all the arts is the art of the musician.

From the point of view of feeling, the actor's craft is the type.

All art is at once surface and symbol.

Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.

Those who read the symbol do so at their peril.

It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.

Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital.

When critics disagree, the artist is in accord with himself.

We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.

All art is quite useless.

OSCAR WILDE

Two days ago I was talking to J about what Christianity is like in his country. He said something to me about how my goal isn't to convert others to Christianity. I said, "no it's not, because I cannot make that decision for other people. I do want them to hear and know what I believe is truth, and atleast have the opportunity to decide."

The conversation keeps running through my mind. Perhaps it affected me more than him, but continue to lift J and others up when/if you think about it.


love you all

Lara





She lifts her head from the spring of water and feels refreshment sweep through her body. This feels like life, but is it? Stepping from the water and grabbing a towel near the bank and began drying away the cool water as she gazed out the cave, peering into the sunset. It had been a long time since she had been here. As she got older, the busy-ness of life seemed to catch hold of her and she rarely found time to get away. With a sigh, she picked up her belongings and began finding her way down the hill. About half way down she caught a glimpse of birds flying through the sky. Their formation drawing her to lay down on the hill she once called her own. She laid among the dozens of flowers and it wasn't long until she found herself in tears, crying herself to sleep.

today after talking on skype and while writing on a friend's wall I realized that I am tired of this. I'm tired of feeling the hunger pains and doing nothing for the hunger. My body is realizing that there is something so much more, that it wants more of Christ. None of this half-passioned faith. I'm tired of sitting inside a church, I'm ready to meet people where they are, outside of the church... Ministry happens while we are living life. I re-read something I wrote in 2005...

There becomes a point where there is a difference between “doing” Christian things and constantly placing Christ in all that we do. Every day is filled with divine opportunities and divine appointments. If we ask Christ to let us see things the way He sees things, and hear things the way He does- He will answer that prayer and we will become susceptible to the workings around us. We must be intentional in our relationships no matter where we are.

It's time for change.


p.s. i love bionade. it is yummy. my favorite is the elder berries (holunder) flavor. :-)

For the past 7 months, I have been praying that Father (being Christ) would show me how to love others the way he loves the church. Matt Chandler had said something in a sermon before I left for Germany this summer- - he said his prayer is that his daughter will meet a man who loves her the way Christ loves the church... and even though I long for that in a man as well, I want to seek to love others in this way as well-- because, we are afterall called to do this as believers.

obviously the whole bible is full of examples of how Christ loves the church-- every word is dripping with his love, sometimes beautiful, sometimes beautiful in the gore and brutality that Christianity sometimes is. Life is full of lessons that teach His love as well-- and daily I am challenged to look at things with His eyes and not my own. However, tonight as I sat reading the words of Psalm 45, I found myself overwhelmed in tears. This is how Father, the author and finisher of our faith loves me? This is how I am called to love?! Me?! I am undeserving. Me?! I am incapable... I sat there, in the midst of many, yet all seemed to disappear. As I read and re-read the words, my heart literally pounded within me, and never before have a felt something so intense. My thoughts being ones of my prayer of asking Christ to show me how to love the way he loves, the answer being poured out right in front of me. My heart is eager to love. I want to convey to people on every level my love for them. I want my family, my boyfriend, my friends to know and feel my love I have for them. I want the source of my love to be Christ... and honestly, I read these words of this Psalm, and i have NO clue how I will be capable, and I have no idea how I will completely die to my fleshly self... but I seek to find out.

I **beg** you to read the pslam below, to dwell on the words and meditate on it. Many times i see that people post bible verses/psalms and i just glance at it and think "oh that's cool..." but if you gain anything or remember anything from this post, let it be this Psalm... Father's words are so much more than my own.

Psalm 45

A Royal Wedding Song

For the choir director: according to "The Lilies." A Maskil of the sons of Korah. A love song.

My heart is moved by a noble theme
as I recite my verses to the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

You are the most handsome of men;
grace flows from your lips.
Therefore God has blessed you forever.

Mighty warrior, strap your sword at your side.
In your majesty and splendor —
in your splendor ride triumphantly
in the cause of truth, humility, and justice.
May your right hand show your awe-inspiring deeds.

Your arrows pierce the hearts of the king's enemies;
the peoples fall under you.
Your throne, God, is forever and ever;
the scepter of Your kingdom is a scepter of justice.
You love righteousness and hate wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
more than your companions, with the oil of joy.

Myrrh, aloes, and cassia [perfume] all your garments;
from ivory palaces harps bring you joy.
Kings' daughters are among your honored women;
the queen, adorned with gold from Ophir,
stands at your right hand.

Listen, daughter, pay attention and consider:
forget your people and your father's house,
and the king will desire your beauty.
Bow down to him, for he is your lord.
The daughter of Tyre, the wealthy people,
will seek your favor with gifts.

In [her chamber], the royal daughter is all glorious,
her clothing embroidered with gold.
In colorful garments she is led to the king;
after her, the virgins, her companions, are brought to you.
They are led in with gladness and rejoicing;
they enter the king's palace.

Your sons will succeed your ancestors;
you will make them princes throughout the land.
I will cause your name to be remembered for all generations;
therefore the peoples will praise you forever and ever.

The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.

Colossians 3

He Is Your Life

1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Lift up your eyes, the harvest is here

Oh, It’s Christmas time in Hannover, and it’s so evident of that. The week of thanksgiving, the city began to build and set up the Christmas markets… and they truly are extravagant. Hannover builds a huge huge traditional german windmill thing every year, and there are funnel cakes (schmalzkuchen) and warm drinks and laughter and fun and chestnuts roasting on open fires!!, and it’s so exciting.

November was quite an interesting month… and went by so terribly fast but so terribly slow at the same time. I experienced a bout of sickness that involved throwing up and running a temperature and it only heightened the homesickness and culture shock I was experiencing! Never before have I felt so down and alone and, I truly hope those moments don’t become often here. I am learning to seek Christ in each day… and learn from Him… to take each day as a gift and to ask Him to show me how to live it. Christ spoke to me so much through those moments of tears and hurt. I will recall this month so often and I don’t think I will ever forget the days of being on my knees in tears crying out to God. Through tears, I learned to bow on my knees and worship Christ. I’m not sure I can say I have ever truly done that. “God you are God, even when I can’t feel you, even when I don’t see the hope for the future, I know you are here. I know you are near, and I know you are God.”

It has been amazing to see how Father has delivered me out of my loneliness. Last weekend I left early Friday morning and traveled 2 hours by train to Hamburg and got there around 10:00 am. I met S and S at the train station and the day was full of going to shops and buying things for Thanksgiving Dinner that night. I spent the afternoon and first part of the evening cleaning and cooking and feeling like I was in family. “It feels so good to have our little sister here.” Those words filled me with a joy I hadn’t felt in so long. I spent the whole weekend there leaving later on Monday night, and it was so nice to feel like I had spent the weekend with family. One day I spent with S and C, and S poured truth and God’s promises into my life. She reminded me that I am a new creation and experiences will be so totally different for me than any one else—as is true for everyone. That Christ placed his power IN us, and that he is molding me and more. She told me things I know, but the way she said them were new, and I love her for caring about me so much in ways that I don’t really deserve.

Another amazing aspect of going to Hamburg was how encouraged I was to lift up my eyes and see what Father is doing among the generation of believers there, and among the many other communities there as well. I was filled with a passion to come back and live my life in Hannover in expectancy and to truly allow Christ to mold me to follow him and see his harvest the way he sees it and to not look at things with my eyes.

I am meeting so many amazing people, and learning more of the German culture and views than I ever have before. I won’t mention certain situations or people, but simply ask for your prayer.

Well, it is December 1, the first day of the Advent. I will eat my first chocolate piece but as advent comes I have been challenged to pray with expectency for revival… for Hannover. For the believers, for others to come to face. Emmanuel means ‘God with us,” so instead of getting distracted by celebrating Jesus this December, I don’t want to neglect spending time with him! Today Naomi arrives, and in a couple of hours I will go to get her at the airport! It’s neat to see how Christ is bringing me out of my loneliness in many ways. I think this month of her being here, and Daniel Wilson and my parents coming to spend time for the holidays as well will be a blessing. I know I am worrying already about January because it will be a busy month in which friends and family have departed, the weather is colder than usual, the hours of daylight equal about 3 hours a day, and my exams and the pressure of passing will be double time as the semester comes to an end. If you long to pray for me pray for Revival, pray for me to have a calm heart- to take one day at a time and to not dwell on the loneliness that may come in January and February.

Another prayer request is that I have been offered a maybe scholarship. If I get this, it would help me and my family and money situations SO much, as I am sure many of you can relate. I know many of you have my blog site, but if you don’t and would like it—let me know-- I also challenge you to check out trentandlindsey.blogspot.com as well.

Thank you so much,
Lara

guess just pray for me--

i am not understanding my homework at all for grammar, and the exam is not until January 22nd... but i HAVE to do well on the exam or I don't even pass the class. and I really have no way to know how i'm doing in the class. I feel like i won't be able to remember everything.. and i'm stressing now because Naomi will be here which is not stressful but what is stressful is that I will feel bad for studying.. so, pray that i'll find time to study, that I will study affectively, that i will begin to understand, and that i will just feel at peace and content. i just feel anxious and nervous when i can't understand things.

I am not putting myself down when i say this but i am literally the dumbest one in all my classes. Today in Phonetik i felt like such a fool because she kept having me read out loud and then make everyone analyze what i said or did wrong. i felt so stupid. Things like that make me not want to try anymore.

things will come together i'm sure, and if i fail the class... oh well, i fail... i'll make up for it in san angelo somehow.

right?

<3

lara

There's a mountain not very far from here. Some say it's a hill, but i'm SURE it is and only can be a mountain. During the spring season, it is a deep color green, the definite paint strokes of a master painter to make grass of a certain kind, embellished by the reds and yellows of the wild flowers. I come to this mountain often... it is my secret place, the place that I am sure I can find myself. Here, I can lay in the midst of the flowers and stare straight into the heavens. Here, no one can tell me what to do, who I should be, how I should act. Time stops here. I am free to dance, free to laugh, and to simply spin in circles until I fall over in laughter... only doing so for me, not for an audience, not to gain attention. Here I am able to fall over in deep sorrow, tears of hopelessness falling freely from my eyes amongst the flowers. I sometimes feel like I Alice in Alice and the Looking Glass. Crying an ocean that I will shrink into and float away... but I have hope.

I've been coming here since I was young, rarely (if ever) inviting anyone to come with me. It hurts too much when others cannot see the beauty; it hurts too much when others only see a hill.

There are days that I begin to see the mountain as the others do. I say to myself, "perhaps it IS just a hill, perhaps the flowers are all weeds," and I find myself becoming blind to the beauty. I hate these days, because it is on these days that I begin to hate myself. I no longer can lay amongst the flowers and stare at the sky, but I find myself wanting to pull the flowers and throw them while tears are streaming down my face. I hate this hill.

But that's just a moment. I love this mountain. I love that it's not just a place to escape reality, but it is reality.

Just the other day I went for a walk, and I found an opening in the forest. The noise of water filled my ears and I kept walking forward. The cool mist began to splash upon my face, and I realized I discovered something new on this mountain I had known for so long. A new passion began to fill my heart as I noticed this new found beauty. I'll now come here. Now, this will be my place, within a place.

This morning, I went with a few of the women from the church I am attending to go to a conference at the church I attended quite a few times while in Hamburg. As the train rolled into the city, I felt this overwhelming feeling. At first, I wasn't sure what to think, and just brushed it to the side. It was raining, as usual, because Hamburg is definitely known for it's rain, raining more than Hannover (that says a LOT... trust me) and always coming when least expected at any time. I wasn't really enjoying myself, because I was the only one my age, and it was early and I was tired, and just wanted to be back in my bed. I woke up only wanting to talk to select people that I couldn't really speak to, and wishing, once again, that i was back home and not here.

As I walked into the church, I felt I could breathe. The previous day, I had recieved an email from the lady who is an active member of the church and who I did a lot of pr-walking with this summer, and I had yet to respond to it, but i walked through the doors of the room and she looked up and smiled and said "no way." I rushed to her and for the first time, in two months, i received what I had been searching for. A hug from a family member. I have recieved hugs, from those who care for me here in Hannover, but this one was one of I love you, I know what struggles you have been going through, and I have been praying for you. And all that was said in a hug.

Later we began worship and as we sang, "All your promises are true" (lyrics found later in this post ;-)) The overwhelming feeling came back. And I knew, as tears came to my eyes (big surprise) that Christ was telling me, "Lara, see... I'm with you, and I never left you...and look, look at this harvest field." Coming to Hamburg today, was a good decision. As I sang with tears and my eyes and remembering what Father had taught me that summer-- for the first time, I sat and reflected on it, I was reminded of so much. The coolest part of it all was, I didn't think of specific memories or the fun times or who I missed, but I found myself hurting again with compassion for the lost. I found myself longing to pray, and to prayer walk and to dwell and meditate on the word. I was reminded of lessons I learned, that I had not forgotten but had placed to the side as I have lately begun to place myself on top priority rather than God.

Now, to say everything was all magically fixed and I'm all magically well and happy would be such a wonderful thing to say. I still reached the bump of the day later, where i found myself on the verge of tears throughout everything, but I am finding strength in my weakness.... I believe so, anyway. I want to find that and strive to daily place my confidence in Christ, to hold captive my thoughts.

We walked around the city and we went to one of my favorite places, the bombed out church. It's not too exciting after seeing it once or twice, but i always gravitate toward one sculpture built upon bricks from a concentration camp... along with a saying by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Today, as I sat there looking at it, noticing the rain droplets falling down his face like tears, I knew that Christ is ALWAYS with us.

Shaking, she tries to reach out her hand. Yearning for affection, she searches but realizes she’s too weak to even open her eyes. She paints for herself a face, a façade if you will. She is disgusted by the fact that we are all actors, and posers in this play called life, even sometimes she feels spirituality becomes a play, but deep down deals with the great sorrow that she is the worst of them all… She deceives herself, tricking herself that she is happy, that she trusts God. She hurts deeply, and many days can’t distinguish the hurt, it comes out during moments that fluster her and cause her angst. She is scared, weak, and hurting. Collapsing to the floor she finds herself in deep sobs, knowing everyone in the next room can hear her. There is so much life around her yet, she feels as if there is no where to turn. When did life begin to feel so lifeless? “You are God. You never change, You are faithful. I will trust you, even when I don’t know where I’ll find the strength...even when I'm scared.”

There are days that I feel so alone, and I know most of it is my own doing... I'm secluding myself, I'm focusing on myself and not the place I'm in or the God I claim to trust. Some days I feel as if I'm sitting in a country that is all too familiar yet all too foreign simply waiting on someone to come save me from this mess, from this trap that is in my mind... from the moments that i get stuck in. I find myself dwelling and drawing into myself, getting lost in my thoughts....feeling forgotten and pointless-- but I don't want to get lost in my thoughts anymore, I want to get lost in Christ.

"My heart says of you "Seek His face."
Your face Lord, I will seek." - Psalm 27:8

I've always been emotional... it's part of what makes up me. I have to learn to not always follow my feelings, because feelings change, but to trust and follow Christ. These feelings of being alone... WILL change. As I sit here, I wonder what ever made me think I could do this...but I'm glad I am here, I'm thankful for the lonely moments, the moments of sorrow. I want to come to Father and say "I don't know how this year will work, but I long to be vulnerable to you..."

Today, I was reading and came across a quote that I have read and heard plenty of times...

Lord, make me a crisis man. Let me not be a milepost on a single road, but make me a fork that men must turn one way or another in facing Christ in me. - Jim Elliot.

after reading that one, I came across another quote which says, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby.

After reading both, I found myself staring at the wall and sipping my hot tea lost in thought. After awhile i shifted my gaze to my clock and noticed I had been sitting there for an hour, mesmerized in thought by these two quotes. I then found myself praying Jim Elliot's prayer. I was scared to pray it, but knew I must. I prayed that others would be uncomfortable around me-- Christ being so evident that they would have to "turn one way or another." -- this is a scary prayer for me, because i AM a people pleaser, I do want to live for my Savior, but at the same time I want everyone to like me and be comfortable around me... but even Paul says in Galatians-- "If i were still trying to please people, I would not be a slave to Christ."

Currently, I am learning much. The past month has been so good for me, and I'm glad it was a part of my life. I'm currently attending a church here, and tonight as I worshiped, I realized something great-- I realized something that I thought I knew, but I'm learning even more, funny how that seems to always work....

I have a beautiful sister, S that i have now known for a month.... I'm praying about beginning an LTG with her-- (life transformation group)... I want to be really prayerful about it before asking... and have been praying since i first met her. She has already been such a blessing in my life. She's 22, and so in love with Father and so hungry for his word. ** Speaking of which, JSIs.. I need the LTG questions-- if any of you have them, or some... will you give me a copy of them? I don't want to ask her until i have the questions so i can show her... **

A beautiful Japanese couple just began to attend services at the church-- they are such a joy to be around and I love talking to them about their country. They have a beautiful daughter, (of which I can speak the few japanese words i know... they told me my pronunciation is great... but honestly, japanese isn't that hard to pronounce...) There are many other family members I have met, and I am filled with great joy and encouragement while around them, and even during the week, but I am also finding friendships outside this arena as well...

Father is putting many people on my heart that I know through the Uni... I'm finding friendships that are quite valuable and amazing... I'm learning a side of germans that is beautiful and amazing. They really are one of the most giving, loving, accepting people groups I have ever met. They love to give and to love, and show kindness... I've never really experienced this before while being here, because the venue i was in was much different. I am always put in awe as to how far people have gone for me-- Johanna and Lena are two girls who work for my supervisor here, and they have helped me with so much from my visa to bank accounts, to much more... and Jana and Jessica are two who studied in Angelo who have taken me out and encouraged me and much much much more. I'm so blessed and honored.

I am going to Hamburg for Thanksigiving, and I'm so excited to see my family there. <3 and to see Sandra and Alejandro at the love club.

I'm learning to seek Christ first in all I do-- in every situation.... in every relationship, every day

miss you all. and I'm praying for my "readers." aka.. you.

<3 love,
Lara Jo

i have a visa.

<3 yay

She sits outside, danging her feet and cuddling in the warmth of her coat... in this moment, joy is felt. The leaves if not fallen, are falling-- ballerinas quietly and gently creating an arabesque fluttering in the autumn sky. As they land, the leaves on the ground gently move to the rhythm of it's fall, and silently settle back down into the position in which it laid. The colors are vibrant-- and she questions how something that is "death" be something that is so beautiful. It surely was Christ that made her path cross Maria's today. As soon as the conversation began she knew the conversation was an answered prayer someone had prayed over her that day. Maria came from Hungary and had just found out her great grandson had been born 3 hours earlier... in Colorado. Maria asked the girl her name, and upon finding out spoke of Dr. Zhivago. She asked her if she had a boyfriend and after the short conversation Maria replied... "I really think you are in love, I can tell in your eyes.." Maria's eyes shown as well as she talked about traveling and her grandkids. Coming back to present time, the girl gazed back upon the leaves as she smiled upon the memory of the day -- the divine interruption, just as a German couple walked by with a warm smile and a "Guten Tag!" She smiled back and said "Hallo!" as she gathered her things and entered the church for a warm night ahead.

1. Apfelschorle. Apple juice...carbonated. i hate apple juice, this summer i hated apfelschorle. now, i crave it. explain that?
2. Tomatensaft... Tomato Juice? I love it. I crave it. I want it DAILY.
3. Chocolate Soy Pudding. Is so delicious.
4. Vanille Johgurt und Muesli. Vanilla Yogurt and Cereal (oats/dried fruit). delicious.
5. Gefuellte Hertzen... lebkuchen mit feiner fruchtfuellung!! -- like chocolate and gingerbread and orange filling.. delicious, and a holiday treat! i love holidays!
6. Apple Cinnamon Latte. Not apple cider... coffee. confusing. yes. yummy, yes. ... and found at balzac, which i officially like way better than starbucks.
7. German Multi-Vitamin Tabletten. -- Basically one-a-day with vitamins from a-z! but i like it better here because it comes with a huge chart telling you what each vitamin does for you.
8. Tomatos and Mozerella und bread. - yummy.
9. Mag's egg rolls. (she's from hong kong).

my camera makes silly noises.

no one make fun of me for this video.
it's kinda boring and just like all my normal posts i RAMBLE. i can't keep a straight thought apparently.

well, the visa stuff... it all depends on how fast my dad can get to houston and i dunno, we really don't have all this money to do this. It cost money to get to houston AND it's another $40 for this document....and it really needs to be done as soon as possible, if not i won't be able to get paid for my first month of work (well, yet....) I'm so frustrated and feel so out of control, but that's part of the lesson. My family really doesn't have enough money for all this and i feel horrible that they are all coming for christmas...but to get money from my job, i have to have my visa... i have to have my visa to get my work permit... my work permit to get my social security card, and my social to get paid. and money to pay for my apartment, and food... is always nice. So i really am learning a lot... about money, and trust, and faith and hope... and being strong.

I think what frustrates me more is that i started working on Visa stuff in feb, so i wouldn't have to deal with this... but they told me to do it all in Hannover, which obviously is definitely not the case.

I really want to get out of my room and do something and i want to sit in a coffee shop and study and journal and read the word, but to do that i feel obligated to buy something... but i've allotted 10 euros a week for myself, and that includes groceries and such. and luckily i can take bottles back and get money for them... not much but it'll end up adding up i'm sure.

i'm also noticing my blogs have as of late become more "I" driven, rather than how they used to be. I'll work on this. <3

I've been through a week of classes, more paperwork, and STILL more to come, and a visa meeting on Monday (which hopefully will be the last one). I've still had those hours and minutes that I become so lonesome and feel as if this life is worth nothing, that I'm unworthy and aching, hurting and longing for home, but I have other moments and hours in which I am fine. Today was particularly difficult, but after I get past the bump of the day, I begin to realize what exactly Father is doing. So many times i want to question and say, "Lara, where is your faith?" But it is there... I have faith, and trust, it's just abiding in Christ... and allowing him to take ahold of my heart. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to him.

I'm finding myself less confident in my german speaking skills rather than more confident and that scares me. I'm trying to find the time and discipline to study on my own. As I was studying yesterday I found myself ashamed of myself for not knowing some things that are so simple... but that is what learning language entails... learning the simple things.. .sometimes years later. Life is like that too.. i'm learning as well.

I have met some wonderful wonderful people here. Many from England who have invited me into their community, and have gotten into conversations with me about life, love, happiness, sadness, failures, successes, joys and hopes... Father truly has directed many of the conversations and it's my prayer that He will continue to decrease anything that is of me, and increase himself.

I'm attending the International Bible Church here. I have met so many wonderful people, in particular M and S. Already Father has used both in my life and i'm so eager to see how he grows the relationships.

I'm also really excited to hear from the folks in Hamburg how things are going, especially with the love club (see past entries from this summer). Father is doing something HUGE.

I'm learning, I'm maturing. I still have many doubts and worries and stresses, yet I love being here, and I love the culture, I love the life here, even though there are days where my fleshly concerns and failures get to me...

Thank you guys for reading this...

Lara <3>

I'm learning that I seek to find comfort in people and situations, and when all the familiar faces are gone, when all the situations are out of my control, I am lost, I break and collapse. I find myself trying to seek the comfort of Christ, but i find myself having a difficult time doing so. I'm tired of being so depressed, and sad, and down, I want to be happy, I long for that... but many times I don't know where to begin. All I knew has been stripped away, and I have to come before Christ and allow myself vulnerable to him. I'm learning something huge. I'm learning what it feels like to want someone's whole self, and not being able to obtain that. Wanting to hear things, and longing to be acknowledged, EVEN when you know the things you want to hear are thought, you want them voiced. Does Christ feel like this with me? I want Christ to have my full heart, but I think sometimes as I hold my heart out, I am clutching it and not willing to let go.

It's been 18 days, and I'm growing....

Lara

Tonight, I was given an opportunity that I could never had imagined. Sitting in her living room talking to her about life, I was so enthralled with hers. Her love for Father, her love for life, her love for her culture was quite amazing. Later that evening, we sat down to a dinner fit for kings and queens made by her husband, along with two others, one from church, another who's recent story and recent loss touched my heart tremendously. I am still touched by the generosity, the kind words, the giving spirits, and the smiles and laughter and conversation had. I will cherish this memory forever, and I look forward to the more dinners with them to come.


I attended my first class today, and I think it will be a wonderful experience. I am of course not looking forward to ALL the work... but that's how all classes are. I have another class tomorrow, and a few more coming up in the next days. I am worried about many of them, mainly being able to understand "what is going on." I am taking classes for those LEARNING german, and i'm not in the super advanced classes, but still EVERYTHING is in german... so it can be a little intimidating. <3

The first week is coming to a close, and I must say it was 5million times worse than basecamp ever was and ever will be, somewhat because I had no believers to pray with and to be encouraged by, but also because it is a whole bunch of legal things that i dont even understand in ENGLISH. There is still more on the way this next week, but I can feel my heart beginning to calm down. Even though I never want to go through these weeks again, (EVER!) I am thankful for them. They will make dealing with things in the states and with things there much much easier. It has been extremely amazing to see how faithful Father has been, even though there have been many times when I felt he was so far, that he wasn´t even real.. but he is, and he has shown that to me this week. He has come through for me on things and made things more simple, he has shown me steps to take and has not only prepared me for things but is guiding me through them. I hope to go on Sunday to the International Church. Hopefully soon I will have internet of my own, and I will be in the new apartment I will live in while here. I think after those things I will feel more settled not only physically but mentally as well.

Pray that I am able to find like-minded believers to build friendships with, and that I am as well, a light and a friend to all those who I have met thus far, etc.

Lara

this is what i like to call... Golden. Money in the bank, if you will

Lin-- i totally fixed the red eye <3

For as long as I can remember, there are times when I'm sitting in class, and I just start writing in my spiral about whatever is on my heart. Last night while going through my spiral from last semester I found two things I had written, when I wrote them I'm not sure, but it's interesting to read them and then compare them to who I am and how I feel today. (note: I'm may not be the best writer out there, but i'm extremely talented at writing depressing thoughts!!..)

There is an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I have no idea what it is or for how long it has been there. I feel anxious, unsure, longing for something more. Many days I feel inadequate- but not lately. I feel capable of doing things, I just feel incapable of being normal -- of calming down, of settling down in one area. Why has life unfolded for me as such? What makes me different? I know I shouldn't compare myself to others... it's actually the last thing I should do, but I'm human -- this is what I do. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day, but at the same time I feel there are too jmany. I feel that my life is full of desires and dreams and no reality. I long to move away, to be someone not held accountable. What are morals anyway? Are they some genetic makeup? I feel like I don't know who I am. I'm always unsure of myself-- wondering what others think of me-- why can't I see myself the way God sees me? Insead, I see this girl who is unsure of everything, incapable of maturity. I'm so tired of it all. I've spent my life living it for others-- it's time I lived it for myself, and more importantly-- Father. Besides, what is there to life other than living it? I will seek you Lord, I'll seek to proclaim.

Today I want to cry. I feel confused and lost among the crowd. I find myself wanting to get everything over with and by everything I mean absolutely everything. I feel as if I cna never been good enough-- that i'm a constant dissapointment, and it makes me want to scream until I have no voice left and all I can do is cry. I want to curl up in my bed and put the covers over my head and think about not thinking. I've come to realize that in every situation I'm percieved (or i percieve myself to be) the one at fault. Blame is always easy to place on myself. Why? Because I'll take it, and I'll slowly allow it to hurt me, to kill me, and that... that is even more painful.


Today, Sept 21, 2007, it's as if i've stepped out of my own heart and sat with my legs crossed on the ground, chin in my hand and gazed through a window at my soul. I'm realizing who I am, who I've become and realizing there are still some kinks and hard areas of my heart that need to be worked out. There always will be, I'm human, I'm not perfect, I fail. There still are days I feel like I can't please or do anything right-- like today for example. I sit and sift through boxes that consist of every belonging I own and get lost in a world of the past, and find myself crying tears when I find myself in real time. Lately I forget where I am as I stare off into space. Usually, it's a sign that I'm deep in thought, and I think.. .no, i know that I am lost in memories, memories that aren't even a week old yet. I relive them, I dream them, I wake up imagining how things were these past few weeks and excited for the time when I'm able to make more memories such as these. This past summer, I remember taking deep breaths and breathing in all that was around me-- the life, the smells, the true feeling of something bigger being near. I long to do that with life. I long to breath in and know that there is something bigger, to breath in life, but to also not be blind to the dark. I have worries about now, about the future, small things, big things, but I'm happy. I'm confident, I'm finding a balance. I'm looking forward to this year, and I even look forward to the hard, painful moments, because I want to learn how to deal with things in a healthy way, I long to learn to not only be dramatic and emotional, but to allow God into my emotions, to truly hear from Him, to abide in Him, and to love with his love.

Stepping off the moving car, and setting foot on solid ground, slowly walking up the stairs to the entrance. Staring into space, as tears collect, as there are sights seen that are better left unimagined. The smell of fresh bread fills the air and to the left a man is digging through the trash. He pulls out a piece of bread, realizes it's hard and stale, but shrugs his shoulders and takes a huge bite. "Schmeckts" He nods his approval as he sees eyes watching. There's laughter.

Prayer. Prayer for direction. Noticing we're nothing but mere mortal men... tears, hope, aching, and sorrow lined with joy.

who is like Him? the lion and the lamb, seated on the throne?

there is a longing in me that I don't quite understand, i can't place what the longing is for.. or why I have it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry.

In exactly a week I will be flying to Dallas. Just as every year, i wonder where the time went. 3 months since I've been here, and Father has grown and stretched me and taught me so many things... and I love him for it. Before coming, in April I had written in my journal ' i don't understand your love, nor do i understand how to love... put a Hosea in my life, and show me your love...help me to learn your love.' This summer, not remembering that prayer the theme has certainly been one of pursuing love, of learning more of who Father is and how he loves us... sure, it'll always be a lesson. There's a song by Jason Mraz that began playing while listening to my music on shuffle that says "it takes a second to fall in love but it takes a lifetime to learn what love is." I let that sink in awhile, because that is what God is teaching me. I'm excited to go home and see people and get necessary things done, but today has been so good for me, in that Father is putting an eagerness and a desire to be in Hannover -- something that I so need. As I was looking through old photos from when i came to Deutschland in 2004, i began to realize that soon I will be living in a flat, with room mates i know nothing about from all over the world, going to class all in german and being placed inside of a culture that i've always been outside of here... i'm so excited to be a university student... i'm excited about what Father will do, and how he'll teach me MORE of his love. The photo i've posted is from 2004, it is right infront of the main mensa (cafeteria), which is right in the nahe (in the vicinity) of where I will live. Hannover is different than many of the places i've been in Germany in that it is definitely a college town. In Koln and Hamburg, yes there are universities, but the university isn't the main focal point... and in Hannover, though it's the smallest, it's the place where i've met more internationals who are there for the soul purpose of studying. .. i mean they are in the other places too... who knows really-- It seemed so much easier to meet people in Hannover, but perhaps it's the situation, and the culture. I really couldn't tell you.

Yesterday, I rode the bike for about 5k... it was fun! i don't like that i can't ride on the sidewalk if there isn't a bike path though, and i hate being near cars-- luckily i think the ride from the dorm to the university in hannover won't be too far of a ride. This picture definitely shows how short i am.. I only crashed once, and it was an understandable crash-- definitely not my fault. Ha if you make the photo bigger you can see the dirt on my shirt.. but i walked away with only a bruise.. i'm good. Anyway, i'm blessed to have been given a bike, and not only a bike but a blue one-- because as my german class, and Dr. Packer and Die Prinzen note... blue bikes are the best. I think the bike will help me build confidence. not only in riding but in my life as well... that's a weird concept, i know, but it makes sense. Yesterday was a nice day to ride though, we rode through a nearby cornfield and by horses, and every person who was out said hello to us! (that is rare, my friends...rare.) Anyway, today and tomorrow are days that will be spent prayer walking and getting some errands done. Thursday I'll meet a lady who is here as an M and lives very near Hannover, and another kid who is studying there for a semester.

Thank you guys for everything!
i'll probably update again soon

Lajo

Something Father has taught me this summer is how laughter even during the hard times is good. I've come to the conclusion that laughter truly does help the heart... and it's amazing how the laughter of others is truly contagious. Today I've spent the morning reading my journals and was reminded of many instances when Father spoke to me through laughter and through child-like spirits. There was a day when I was babysitting that I allowed J's youngest to sit on my lap and watch bob the builder on my laptop while the others did their thing. Soon we both found out that when you fast forward the video on my laptop the characters talk super fast and everything is in fast motion, both of us, began to laugh until our sides hurt. J - the 3 year old laughing at 'bob' and me, laughing as I enjoyed seeing the delight in his eyes. Soon, the others found out and all of us were laughing, as S and C laughed until they were almost crying I couldn't help but sit back and also giggle as well. I found delight in their delight. As I write this, I realize the same is true of Christ. He finds delight in our delight. He laughs with us, and also has the ability to sit back and smile on us.

In Acts, Cornelius, a Jew is praying and God tells him to send for Simon called Peter, and to listen to what he has to say. Meanwhile, Simon called Peter was given a vision in which he learns that everything that God has made is good and clean and pure. In the midst of the vision, the 3 men Cornelius has sent are at his house. Peter goes with them and he shares the news of Jesus with Cornelius, and he also shares and realizes how he has learned through this situation that all men are God's that they are all clean and pure, whether Jew or Gentile, etc. The reason I mention this is it's my prayer. There are so many who are good, who pray to God, and God is showing them and telling them ways to learn of his son Jesus... at the same time God is teaching and growing those who do call on his name in every situation. Cornelius and his household received true life, and at the same time Simon Peter and the circumcised believers learned there wasn't any difference between those circumcised and those not-- our God is a God of all nations. What is most amazing is how this story is being lived out still today, only names and characters have been changed. This is my prayer...

New... Life has been speaking of new things lately. C&S just got a new puppy, Buddy. His new life, the joy that he brings, and the smiles, the laughter that I've seen him bring a needed brightness into lives, those he belongs to and those who come into contact with him. It's amazing how Father can use something like a new puppy to make his name great, to ensue conversation, to direct conversation, and more.

I've been more than blessed this summer. Friends and family moving and those who have extra things have given me many needed/wanted/useful belongings of theirs for this next year. I am overwhelmed with their generosity, however as I was reading this morning in Acts i was reminded of them, as it spoke of the believers -- how they shared everything they had among each other. I am again reminded of this as a week ago we were sitting in the park and some beautiful Afghan ladies who had known us for maybe 3 minutes offered us their food they had prepared, they gave us pieces of their culture as we shared in conversation and laughter.

I was once again challenged in chapter 3 of Acts, when Peter and John are walking to the temple to pray. They pass a gate called Beautiful where a man in his 40s has daily begged for money. The man is blind, and they offer him true healing-- the healing of Christ, and the blind man can see... I was challenged in that 'their plans' were interrupted. They were going to pray, but God interrupted those plans... with plans of his own-- much bigger plans. I love that even to the end of chapter 4, the miracle that was done is still affecting so many. The healing of ONE man caused all this commotion. Amazing, really... if you stop and think about it. I was also REALLY challenged when Peter and John come back to report what had happened and the believers immediately began to pray for them and all that had happened to the sovereign Lord... and just the reminder as they prayed to the Lord who has the ability to outstretch his mighty arm. <3

i've also put a playlist of a few of the songs that God has been using in my life, whether through singing them at the IBC or them coming up while i'm praying....

"apart from me you can do nothing" - jesus, john 15

Closing eyes, breathing in deeply, the fragrance of the air fills her with life. She reaches her hands out, and grasps, but realizing her grip is only clutching the air passing by, she opens her eyes and lets the air hit her tired eyes. With a sigh, she breathes out, and slowly falls to her knees. "Strengthen my feeble arms and my weak knees, " she mutters as she pulls the elastic pony tail out her hair, allowing her hair to cover her face. The tears begin to fall and as she can taste their saltiness, she begins to shake at the thought of her unworthiness. Placing her hands on the floor in front of her, and bowing her head, her eyes close as her chin quivers from the sobs she holds back, she sees him... and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.


(the last two sentences are from luke 7)

Upon arriving back in Hamburg, Father really gave me time to relax in him. On Saturday, I was given the opportunity to leave the busy-ness of the city and spend time with E an american/german girl i met through the team here at the beginning of the summer. We spent time with her and her family roasting brats and marshmallows over a camp fire. We shot bows and arrows, we laughed at each other, and we sang worship songs and prayed. It was really a good time to spend singing with E, talking about life and getting to meet and know her mother on a spiritual level. The love her mom has for her family, her friends, and students she teaches is one that Father truly gives -- Through talking to her, Father gave me a lot of interesting insight for me, and I'm eager to worship and serve him. One of the songs we sang around the fire was one I've known forever and he has really used this song in my life the past couple of days...





Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I’ve found in You
Lord I’ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

~ chorus ~
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

(repeat chorus twice)

And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love
(repeat

Please Pray for me as I try to get in contact with many of the girls i met before going to Koln and that we'll be able to get together, and not only get together but that all conversation that is 'of me' will be diminished and that Father will truly speak through me.

Yesterday was quite amazing. We spent time at the club, and a man came who is the leader of his 'group.' He said he IS a believer, and that he is glad that Christ is doing this in such a dark area of Germany... we are unsure if he really is a believer but he did say he was going to take and share what had happened to him to his group. I'm praying for him, that Christ would TRULY interrupt his life. Please continue to lift up this whole thing to Father. There are many aspects that are continuing to be learned daily.

Occasionally i'll go back and read blogs from a year ago to see what I was learning, and what has changed-- I read this today, and as it reminded me, I thought i'd share it again, so that in another year, I can again, be reminded ;-)

I read Ezra today. I really love Ezra's reaction when he discovers how he has been sinning. He wept bitterly and loudly... he was truly broken and disgusted. Just reading his prayer of realization, the passion can be felt and even heard from the pages. However God continually revealed himself to Ezra and let him know he was not alone...and I was also greatly encouraged by the fact that Ezra listened to God by reading the scriptures... he was a man devoted to the word. He was a cool dude, and that's basically all there is to it. - August 8, 2006

(the picture: I was given the chance to spend a few days in Holland with the interns, and the photo is one taken of the Canal from a window in Amsterdam. While in Amsterdam I met a really really beautiful girl from Israel, and I got to hear a lot of her story but didn't really share much of mine because things in the store got busy. I'm definitely praying for her that she would seek and know the joy of Father. What connected us was my nose piercing...who would have thunk it ;-))

Du bist Gnade
Du bist Kraeftig
Du bist Liebe
und du bist Herr

You are Mercy
You are Power
You are Love
and you are God



The time in Cologne has been so amazing, Father as always has done amazing things, and he has taught me and others things that simply draw us closer to his face. It's easy to get so caught up in the things of him and not IN him.

This entry is short, and not so inspiring, but I leave Wednesday for the netherlands and will be back in Hmbg on Friday/Sat

ljo

I found old photos on Lin's computer.


My feet finally have the 'chaco' (teva b/c i am 'uncool') tan lines, except they aren't tan lines at all- they are DIRT lines. Today I prayer walked. For the first time, I felt the call to walk until I could no longer walk, to pray to my Father, Creator, life changer. What I am continuing to learn is that prayer doesn't change God and his plans, yet it changes me and my heart and that Father hears our prayers and is faithful to answer them. I feel like i can see God drawing me closer and closer to him. Today I felt my heart break for all those around-- believers, non. I was broken ruined and at no point did I long to stop praying. At 5:00 i felt the need to pray earnestly for salvation. Specifically. Later, I found out that at that time, someone at the Uni became a believer. That is and only is Father. God has shown me things today that I can't put words to. He has allowed me to cry out to him in a park that he rarely hears worship from-- a part of the park that he is definitely in, but where I long for his church to be planted. My prayer is that I would so decrease and he would so increase that it would only be his prayers, his words, essentially HIM praying to himself for HIS people. "He is mercy, he is power, he is love and he is God."

Today Father allowed me to see things of this world that brought me to tears. Father IS beyond all expression and I truly cannot think that high. I serve a God who is NOT served by human hands- as if he needed anything. SO many times I find myself thankful that even though I am un-needed by my Savior, I am wanted by him, but today I am realizing that i TRULY do want to worship this God, even if he NEVER needs me. If he NEVER would use my self, prideful self, I STILL want to serve him. Why he calls me chosen and why he's unashamed to claim me as his own, i will NEVER known or understand. I WANT to be his. I WANT to come to him, broken and useless, and I long for him to mold my heart-- I long to pray his prayers, and dream his dreams and love with his love. I no longer want ME. I want to so abide in Christ that I truly am the aroma of him. I want to have ONE passion. I want to love with the love of a savior and I don't want my life to be one simply of emotional highs. I want it to be one that is HARD, one where i do feel spent and worn out. I want my feet to smell, I want them to hurt and have dirt lines. I want to find the same Joy I find on the "clean" days, on the days that are dirty and rough and draining, and only in Christ do I want to find my rst. My life is a journey. I love that. I love that I can be real and vulnerable to those around me. I'm glad I can be broken. Many days I DO deny Christ and cling to disobedience. I want to stop that. I know there will be more, i know there will be days i'm not obedient and I will fall short, but I long to strive to abide in him DAILY. Christ called out, he cried out in John 12 for his people to look and SEE. He is LIGHT and he's CRYING OUT!! for us to understand!- Even now. I want eyes to see. I want them to have ears to hear. I want Father to heal this land, to heal our hearts, my heart, the hearts of all the people I come into contact with.

You are my Lord.
You are my God.
You are everything
I want or need.
You are more beautiful
than anything.
You're all I long for
and all I want to see.

Let me live, finally Lord, let me live for you.