What is your legacy?

She sits outside, danging her feet and cuddling in the warmth of her coat... in this moment, joy is felt. The leaves if not fallen, are falling-- ballerinas quietly and gently creating an arabesque fluttering in the autumn sky. As they land, the leaves on the ground gently move to the rhythm of it's fall, and silently settle back down into the position in which it laid. The colors are vibrant-- and she questions how something that is "death" be something that is so beautiful. It surely was Christ that made her path cross Maria's today. As soon as the conversation began she knew the conversation was an answered prayer someone had prayed over her that day. Maria came from Hungary and had just found out her great grandson had been born 3 hours earlier... in Colorado. Maria asked the girl her name, and upon finding out spoke of Dr. Zhivago. She asked her if she had a boyfriend and after the short conversation Maria replied... "I really think you are in love, I can tell in your eyes.." Maria's eyes shown as well as she talked about traveling and her grandkids. Coming back to present time, the girl gazed back upon the leaves as she smiled upon the memory of the day -- the divine interruption, just as a German couple walked by with a warm smile and a "Guten Tag!" She smiled back and said "Hallo!" as she gathered her things and entered the church for a warm night ahead.

1. Apfelschorle. Apple juice...carbonated. i hate apple juice, this summer i hated apfelschorle. now, i crave it. explain that?
2. Tomatensaft... Tomato Juice? I love it. I crave it. I want it DAILY.
3. Chocolate Soy Pudding. Is so delicious.
4. Vanille Johgurt und Muesli. Vanilla Yogurt and Cereal (oats/dried fruit). delicious.
5. Gefuellte Hertzen... lebkuchen mit feiner fruchtfuellung!! -- like chocolate and gingerbread and orange filling.. delicious, and a holiday treat! i love holidays!
6. Apple Cinnamon Latte. Not apple cider... coffee. confusing. yes. yummy, yes. ... and found at balzac, which i officially like way better than starbucks.
7. German Multi-Vitamin Tabletten. -- Basically one-a-day with vitamins from a-z! but i like it better here because it comes with a huge chart telling you what each vitamin does for you.
8. Tomatos and Mozerella und bread. - yummy.
9. Mag's egg rolls. (she's from hong kong).

my camera makes silly noises.

no one make fun of me for this video.
it's kinda boring and just like all my normal posts i RAMBLE. i can't keep a straight thought apparently.

well, the visa stuff... it all depends on how fast my dad can get to houston and i dunno, we really don't have all this money to do this. It cost money to get to houston AND it's another $40 for this document....and it really needs to be done as soon as possible, if not i won't be able to get paid for my first month of work (well, yet....) I'm so frustrated and feel so out of control, but that's part of the lesson. My family really doesn't have enough money for all this and i feel horrible that they are all coming for christmas...but to get money from my job, i have to have my visa... i have to have my visa to get my work permit... my work permit to get my social security card, and my social to get paid. and money to pay for my apartment, and food... is always nice. So i really am learning a lot... about money, and trust, and faith and hope... and being strong.

I think what frustrates me more is that i started working on Visa stuff in feb, so i wouldn't have to deal with this... but they told me to do it all in Hannover, which obviously is definitely not the case.

I really want to get out of my room and do something and i want to sit in a coffee shop and study and journal and read the word, but to do that i feel obligated to buy something... but i've allotted 10 euros a week for myself, and that includes groceries and such. and luckily i can take bottles back and get money for them... not much but it'll end up adding up i'm sure.

i'm also noticing my blogs have as of late become more "I" driven, rather than how they used to be. I'll work on this. <3

I've been through a week of classes, more paperwork, and STILL more to come, and a visa meeting on Monday (which hopefully will be the last one). I've still had those hours and minutes that I become so lonesome and feel as if this life is worth nothing, that I'm unworthy and aching, hurting and longing for home, but I have other moments and hours in which I am fine. Today was particularly difficult, but after I get past the bump of the day, I begin to realize what exactly Father is doing. So many times i want to question and say, "Lara, where is your faith?" But it is there... I have faith, and trust, it's just abiding in Christ... and allowing him to take ahold of my heart. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to him.

I'm finding myself less confident in my german speaking skills rather than more confident and that scares me. I'm trying to find the time and discipline to study on my own. As I was studying yesterday I found myself ashamed of myself for not knowing some things that are so simple... but that is what learning language entails... learning the simple things.. .sometimes years later. Life is like that too.. i'm learning as well.

I have met some wonderful wonderful people here. Many from England who have invited me into their community, and have gotten into conversations with me about life, love, happiness, sadness, failures, successes, joys and hopes... Father truly has directed many of the conversations and it's my prayer that He will continue to decrease anything that is of me, and increase himself.

I'm attending the International Bible Church here. I have met so many wonderful people, in particular M and S. Already Father has used both in my life and i'm so eager to see how he grows the relationships.

I'm also really excited to hear from the folks in Hamburg how things are going, especially with the love club (see past entries from this summer). Father is doing something HUGE.

I'm learning, I'm maturing. I still have many doubts and worries and stresses, yet I love being here, and I love the culture, I love the life here, even though there are days where my fleshly concerns and failures get to me...

Thank you guys for reading this...

Lara <3>

I'm learning that I seek to find comfort in people and situations, and when all the familiar faces are gone, when all the situations are out of my control, I am lost, I break and collapse. I find myself trying to seek the comfort of Christ, but i find myself having a difficult time doing so. I'm tired of being so depressed, and sad, and down, I want to be happy, I long for that... but many times I don't know where to begin. All I knew has been stripped away, and I have to come before Christ and allow myself vulnerable to him. I'm learning something huge. I'm learning what it feels like to want someone's whole self, and not being able to obtain that. Wanting to hear things, and longing to be acknowledged, EVEN when you know the things you want to hear are thought, you want them voiced. Does Christ feel like this with me? I want Christ to have my full heart, but I think sometimes as I hold my heart out, I am clutching it and not willing to let go.

It's been 18 days, and I'm growing....

Lara

Tonight, I was given an opportunity that I could never had imagined. Sitting in her living room talking to her about life, I was so enthralled with hers. Her love for Father, her love for life, her love for her culture was quite amazing. Later that evening, we sat down to a dinner fit for kings and queens made by her husband, along with two others, one from church, another who's recent story and recent loss touched my heart tremendously. I am still touched by the generosity, the kind words, the giving spirits, and the smiles and laughter and conversation had. I will cherish this memory forever, and I look forward to the more dinners with them to come.


I attended my first class today, and I think it will be a wonderful experience. I am of course not looking forward to ALL the work... but that's how all classes are. I have another class tomorrow, and a few more coming up in the next days. I am worried about many of them, mainly being able to understand "what is going on." I am taking classes for those LEARNING german, and i'm not in the super advanced classes, but still EVERYTHING is in german... so it can be a little intimidating. <3

The first week is coming to a close, and I must say it was 5million times worse than basecamp ever was and ever will be, somewhat because I had no believers to pray with and to be encouraged by, but also because it is a whole bunch of legal things that i dont even understand in ENGLISH. There is still more on the way this next week, but I can feel my heart beginning to calm down. Even though I never want to go through these weeks again, (EVER!) I am thankful for them. They will make dealing with things in the states and with things there much much easier. It has been extremely amazing to see how faithful Father has been, even though there have been many times when I felt he was so far, that he wasn´t even real.. but he is, and he has shown that to me this week. He has come through for me on things and made things more simple, he has shown me steps to take and has not only prepared me for things but is guiding me through them. I hope to go on Sunday to the International Church. Hopefully soon I will have internet of my own, and I will be in the new apartment I will live in while here. I think after those things I will feel more settled not only physically but mentally as well.

Pray that I am able to find like-minded believers to build friendships with, and that I am as well, a light and a friend to all those who I have met thus far, etc.

Lara

this is what i like to call... Golden. Money in the bank, if you will

Lin-- i totally fixed the red eye <3

For as long as I can remember, there are times when I'm sitting in class, and I just start writing in my spiral about whatever is on my heart. Last night while going through my spiral from last semester I found two things I had written, when I wrote them I'm not sure, but it's interesting to read them and then compare them to who I am and how I feel today. (note: I'm may not be the best writer out there, but i'm extremely talented at writing depressing thoughts!!..)

There is an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I have no idea what it is or for how long it has been there. I feel anxious, unsure, longing for something more. Many days I feel inadequate- but not lately. I feel capable of doing things, I just feel incapable of being normal -- of calming down, of settling down in one area. Why has life unfolded for me as such? What makes me different? I know I shouldn't compare myself to others... it's actually the last thing I should do, but I'm human -- this is what I do. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day, but at the same time I feel there are too jmany. I feel that my life is full of desires and dreams and no reality. I long to move away, to be someone not held accountable. What are morals anyway? Are they some genetic makeup? I feel like I don't know who I am. I'm always unsure of myself-- wondering what others think of me-- why can't I see myself the way God sees me? Insead, I see this girl who is unsure of everything, incapable of maturity. I'm so tired of it all. I've spent my life living it for others-- it's time I lived it for myself, and more importantly-- Father. Besides, what is there to life other than living it? I will seek you Lord, I'll seek to proclaim.

Today I want to cry. I feel confused and lost among the crowd. I find myself wanting to get everything over with and by everything I mean absolutely everything. I feel as if I cna never been good enough-- that i'm a constant dissapointment, and it makes me want to scream until I have no voice left and all I can do is cry. I want to curl up in my bed and put the covers over my head and think about not thinking. I've come to realize that in every situation I'm percieved (or i percieve myself to be) the one at fault. Blame is always easy to place on myself. Why? Because I'll take it, and I'll slowly allow it to hurt me, to kill me, and that... that is even more painful.


Today, Sept 21, 2007, it's as if i've stepped out of my own heart and sat with my legs crossed on the ground, chin in my hand and gazed through a window at my soul. I'm realizing who I am, who I've become and realizing there are still some kinks and hard areas of my heart that need to be worked out. There always will be, I'm human, I'm not perfect, I fail. There still are days I feel like I can't please or do anything right-- like today for example. I sit and sift through boxes that consist of every belonging I own and get lost in a world of the past, and find myself crying tears when I find myself in real time. Lately I forget where I am as I stare off into space. Usually, it's a sign that I'm deep in thought, and I think.. .no, i know that I am lost in memories, memories that aren't even a week old yet. I relive them, I dream them, I wake up imagining how things were these past few weeks and excited for the time when I'm able to make more memories such as these. This past summer, I remember taking deep breaths and breathing in all that was around me-- the life, the smells, the true feeling of something bigger being near. I long to do that with life. I long to breath in and know that there is something bigger, to breath in life, but to also not be blind to the dark. I have worries about now, about the future, small things, big things, but I'm happy. I'm confident, I'm finding a balance. I'm looking forward to this year, and I even look forward to the hard, painful moments, because I want to learn how to deal with things in a healthy way, I long to learn to not only be dramatic and emotional, but to allow God into my emotions, to truly hear from Him, to abide in Him, and to love with his love.

Stepping off the moving car, and setting foot on solid ground, slowly walking up the stairs to the entrance. Staring into space, as tears collect, as there are sights seen that are better left unimagined. The smell of fresh bread fills the air and to the left a man is digging through the trash. He pulls out a piece of bread, realizes it's hard and stale, but shrugs his shoulders and takes a huge bite. "Schmeckts" He nods his approval as he sees eyes watching. There's laughter.

Prayer. Prayer for direction. Noticing we're nothing but mere mortal men... tears, hope, aching, and sorrow lined with joy.

who is like Him? the lion and the lamb, seated on the throne?

there is a longing in me that I don't quite understand, i can't place what the longing is for.. or why I have it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry.

In exactly a week I will be flying to Dallas. Just as every year, i wonder where the time went. 3 months since I've been here, and Father has grown and stretched me and taught me so many things... and I love him for it. Before coming, in April I had written in my journal ' i don't understand your love, nor do i understand how to love... put a Hosea in my life, and show me your love...help me to learn your love.' This summer, not remembering that prayer the theme has certainly been one of pursuing love, of learning more of who Father is and how he loves us... sure, it'll always be a lesson. There's a song by Jason Mraz that began playing while listening to my music on shuffle that says "it takes a second to fall in love but it takes a lifetime to learn what love is." I let that sink in awhile, because that is what God is teaching me. I'm excited to go home and see people and get necessary things done, but today has been so good for me, in that Father is putting an eagerness and a desire to be in Hannover -- something that I so need. As I was looking through old photos from when i came to Deutschland in 2004, i began to realize that soon I will be living in a flat, with room mates i know nothing about from all over the world, going to class all in german and being placed inside of a culture that i've always been outside of here... i'm so excited to be a university student... i'm excited about what Father will do, and how he'll teach me MORE of his love. The photo i've posted is from 2004, it is right infront of the main mensa (cafeteria), which is right in the nahe (in the vicinity) of where I will live. Hannover is different than many of the places i've been in Germany in that it is definitely a college town. In Koln and Hamburg, yes there are universities, but the university isn't the main focal point... and in Hannover, though it's the smallest, it's the place where i've met more internationals who are there for the soul purpose of studying. .. i mean they are in the other places too... who knows really-- It seemed so much easier to meet people in Hannover, but perhaps it's the situation, and the culture. I really couldn't tell you.

Yesterday, I rode the bike for about 5k... it was fun! i don't like that i can't ride on the sidewalk if there isn't a bike path though, and i hate being near cars-- luckily i think the ride from the dorm to the university in hannover won't be too far of a ride. This picture definitely shows how short i am.. I only crashed once, and it was an understandable crash-- definitely not my fault. Ha if you make the photo bigger you can see the dirt on my shirt.. but i walked away with only a bruise.. i'm good. Anyway, i'm blessed to have been given a bike, and not only a bike but a blue one-- because as my german class, and Dr. Packer and Die Prinzen note... blue bikes are the best. I think the bike will help me build confidence. not only in riding but in my life as well... that's a weird concept, i know, but it makes sense. Yesterday was a nice day to ride though, we rode through a nearby cornfield and by horses, and every person who was out said hello to us! (that is rare, my friends...rare.) Anyway, today and tomorrow are days that will be spent prayer walking and getting some errands done. Thursday I'll meet a lady who is here as an M and lives very near Hannover, and another kid who is studying there for a semester.

Thank you guys for everything!
i'll probably update again soon

Lajo

Something Father has taught me this summer is how laughter even during the hard times is good. I've come to the conclusion that laughter truly does help the heart... and it's amazing how the laughter of others is truly contagious. Today I've spent the morning reading my journals and was reminded of many instances when Father spoke to me through laughter and through child-like spirits. There was a day when I was babysitting that I allowed J's youngest to sit on my lap and watch bob the builder on my laptop while the others did their thing. Soon we both found out that when you fast forward the video on my laptop the characters talk super fast and everything is in fast motion, both of us, began to laugh until our sides hurt. J - the 3 year old laughing at 'bob' and me, laughing as I enjoyed seeing the delight in his eyes. Soon, the others found out and all of us were laughing, as S and C laughed until they were almost crying I couldn't help but sit back and also giggle as well. I found delight in their delight. As I write this, I realize the same is true of Christ. He finds delight in our delight. He laughs with us, and also has the ability to sit back and smile on us.

In Acts, Cornelius, a Jew is praying and God tells him to send for Simon called Peter, and to listen to what he has to say. Meanwhile, Simon called Peter was given a vision in which he learns that everything that God has made is good and clean and pure. In the midst of the vision, the 3 men Cornelius has sent are at his house. Peter goes with them and he shares the news of Jesus with Cornelius, and he also shares and realizes how he has learned through this situation that all men are God's that they are all clean and pure, whether Jew or Gentile, etc. The reason I mention this is it's my prayer. There are so many who are good, who pray to God, and God is showing them and telling them ways to learn of his son Jesus... at the same time God is teaching and growing those who do call on his name in every situation. Cornelius and his household received true life, and at the same time Simon Peter and the circumcised believers learned there wasn't any difference between those circumcised and those not-- our God is a God of all nations. What is most amazing is how this story is being lived out still today, only names and characters have been changed. This is my prayer...

New... Life has been speaking of new things lately. C&S just got a new puppy, Buddy. His new life, the joy that he brings, and the smiles, the laughter that I've seen him bring a needed brightness into lives, those he belongs to and those who come into contact with him. It's amazing how Father can use something like a new puppy to make his name great, to ensue conversation, to direct conversation, and more.

I've been more than blessed this summer. Friends and family moving and those who have extra things have given me many needed/wanted/useful belongings of theirs for this next year. I am overwhelmed with their generosity, however as I was reading this morning in Acts i was reminded of them, as it spoke of the believers -- how they shared everything they had among each other. I am again reminded of this as a week ago we were sitting in the park and some beautiful Afghan ladies who had known us for maybe 3 minutes offered us their food they had prepared, they gave us pieces of their culture as we shared in conversation and laughter.

I was once again challenged in chapter 3 of Acts, when Peter and John are walking to the temple to pray. They pass a gate called Beautiful where a man in his 40s has daily begged for money. The man is blind, and they offer him true healing-- the healing of Christ, and the blind man can see... I was challenged in that 'their plans' were interrupted. They were going to pray, but God interrupted those plans... with plans of his own-- much bigger plans. I love that even to the end of chapter 4, the miracle that was done is still affecting so many. The healing of ONE man caused all this commotion. Amazing, really... if you stop and think about it. I was also REALLY challenged when Peter and John come back to report what had happened and the believers immediately began to pray for them and all that had happened to the sovereign Lord... and just the reminder as they prayed to the Lord who has the ability to outstretch his mighty arm. <3

i've also put a playlist of a few of the songs that God has been using in my life, whether through singing them at the IBC or them coming up while i'm praying....

"apart from me you can do nothing" - jesus, john 15

Closing eyes, breathing in deeply, the fragrance of the air fills her with life. She reaches her hands out, and grasps, but realizing her grip is only clutching the air passing by, she opens her eyes and lets the air hit her tired eyes. With a sigh, she breathes out, and slowly falls to her knees. "Strengthen my feeble arms and my weak knees, " she mutters as she pulls the elastic pony tail out her hair, allowing her hair to cover her face. The tears begin to fall and as she can taste their saltiness, she begins to shake at the thought of her unworthiness. Placing her hands on the floor in front of her, and bowing her head, her eyes close as her chin quivers from the sobs she holds back, she sees him... and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.


(the last two sentences are from luke 7)

Upon arriving back in Hamburg, Father really gave me time to relax in him. On Saturday, I was given the opportunity to leave the busy-ness of the city and spend time with E an american/german girl i met through the team here at the beginning of the summer. We spent time with her and her family roasting brats and marshmallows over a camp fire. We shot bows and arrows, we laughed at each other, and we sang worship songs and prayed. It was really a good time to spend singing with E, talking about life and getting to meet and know her mother on a spiritual level. The love her mom has for her family, her friends, and students she teaches is one that Father truly gives -- Through talking to her, Father gave me a lot of interesting insight for me, and I'm eager to worship and serve him. One of the songs we sang around the fire was one I've known forever and he has really used this song in my life the past couple of days...





Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I’ve found in You
Lord I’ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

~ chorus ~
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

(repeat chorus twice)

And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love
(repeat

Please Pray for me as I try to get in contact with many of the girls i met before going to Koln and that we'll be able to get together, and not only get together but that all conversation that is 'of me' will be diminished and that Father will truly speak through me.

Yesterday was quite amazing. We spent time at the club, and a man came who is the leader of his 'group.' He said he IS a believer, and that he is glad that Christ is doing this in such a dark area of Germany... we are unsure if he really is a believer but he did say he was going to take and share what had happened to him to his group. I'm praying for him, that Christ would TRULY interrupt his life. Please continue to lift up this whole thing to Father. There are many aspects that are continuing to be learned daily.

Occasionally i'll go back and read blogs from a year ago to see what I was learning, and what has changed-- I read this today, and as it reminded me, I thought i'd share it again, so that in another year, I can again, be reminded ;-)

I read Ezra today. I really love Ezra's reaction when he discovers how he has been sinning. He wept bitterly and loudly... he was truly broken and disgusted. Just reading his prayer of realization, the passion can be felt and even heard from the pages. However God continually revealed himself to Ezra and let him know he was not alone...and I was also greatly encouraged by the fact that Ezra listened to God by reading the scriptures... he was a man devoted to the word. He was a cool dude, and that's basically all there is to it. - August 8, 2006

(the picture: I was given the chance to spend a few days in Holland with the interns, and the photo is one taken of the Canal from a window in Amsterdam. While in Amsterdam I met a really really beautiful girl from Israel, and I got to hear a lot of her story but didn't really share much of mine because things in the store got busy. I'm definitely praying for her that she would seek and know the joy of Father. What connected us was my nose piercing...who would have thunk it ;-))

Du bist Gnade
Du bist Kraeftig
Du bist Liebe
und du bist Herr

You are Mercy
You are Power
You are Love
and you are God



The time in Cologne has been so amazing, Father as always has done amazing things, and he has taught me and others things that simply draw us closer to his face. It's easy to get so caught up in the things of him and not IN him.

This entry is short, and not so inspiring, but I leave Wednesday for the netherlands and will be back in Hmbg on Friday/Sat

ljo

I found old photos on Lin's computer.


My feet finally have the 'chaco' (teva b/c i am 'uncool') tan lines, except they aren't tan lines at all- they are DIRT lines. Today I prayer walked. For the first time, I felt the call to walk until I could no longer walk, to pray to my Father, Creator, life changer. What I am continuing to learn is that prayer doesn't change God and his plans, yet it changes me and my heart and that Father hears our prayers and is faithful to answer them. I feel like i can see God drawing me closer and closer to him. Today I felt my heart break for all those around-- believers, non. I was broken ruined and at no point did I long to stop praying. At 5:00 i felt the need to pray earnestly for salvation. Specifically. Later, I found out that at that time, someone at the Uni became a believer. That is and only is Father. God has shown me things today that I can't put words to. He has allowed me to cry out to him in a park that he rarely hears worship from-- a part of the park that he is definitely in, but where I long for his church to be planted. My prayer is that I would so decrease and he would so increase that it would only be his prayers, his words, essentially HIM praying to himself for HIS people. "He is mercy, he is power, he is love and he is God."

Today Father allowed me to see things of this world that brought me to tears. Father IS beyond all expression and I truly cannot think that high. I serve a God who is NOT served by human hands- as if he needed anything. SO many times I find myself thankful that even though I am un-needed by my Savior, I am wanted by him, but today I am realizing that i TRULY do want to worship this God, even if he NEVER needs me. If he NEVER would use my self, prideful self, I STILL want to serve him. Why he calls me chosen and why he's unashamed to claim me as his own, i will NEVER known or understand. I WANT to be his. I WANT to come to him, broken and useless, and I long for him to mold my heart-- I long to pray his prayers, and dream his dreams and love with his love. I no longer want ME. I want to so abide in Christ that I truly am the aroma of him. I want to have ONE passion. I want to love with the love of a savior and I don't want my life to be one simply of emotional highs. I want it to be one that is HARD, one where i do feel spent and worn out. I want my feet to smell, I want them to hurt and have dirt lines. I want to find the same Joy I find on the "clean" days, on the days that are dirty and rough and draining, and only in Christ do I want to find my rst. My life is a journey. I love that. I love that I can be real and vulnerable to those around me. I'm glad I can be broken. Many days I DO deny Christ and cling to disobedience. I want to stop that. I know there will be more, i know there will be days i'm not obedient and I will fall short, but I long to strive to abide in him DAILY. Christ called out, he cried out in John 12 for his people to look and SEE. He is LIGHT and he's CRYING OUT!! for us to understand!- Even now. I want eyes to see. I want them to have ears to hear. I want Father to heal this land, to heal our hearts, my heart, the hearts of all the people I come into contact with.

You are my Lord.
You are my God.
You are everything
I want or need.
You are more beautiful
than anything.
You're all I long for
and all I want to see.

Let me live, finally Lord, let me live for you.

Closer, closer to his face he is drawing me, and it's because he has brought me new life. Yes, I am overseas and learning a new culture, and learning new 'way of life' in the physical, but I'm also learning that just as it says in 2 Corinthians that Christ died, so that we may life our life for his name and his glory and no longer for ourselves.

I'm truly learning what it looks like to have a gentle and quiet spirit. To be a supporter, an encourager. I'm learning how to pray and what to pray and how powerful prayer truly is-- I don't always have to have the right words-- it's okay not to. I don't have to live on past experiences or even use them as examples for others because even as it says in 1 john that Christ's testimony is so much more and stronger than our own. I long, as i've said in posts before to know Christ and him crucified and that's it!

Something a friend and mentor told me in a conversation has been sticking in my mind the past week. "People don't relate to 'perfect' people. They relate to broken people." This is something in my mind i've known, but it's nice to put the thoughts into words. Brokenness and desperation are things people can relate to, truth and reality are things we should live with and openly with. Christ knows me behind all my disguises. He knows my fears. He knows my struggles and my worries. He knows what makes me upset and sad and weepy and sorrowful, he knows my pride and my selfishness. He knows ME and he knows my heart.

I'm learning to trust people with my heart and my struggles-- to be open and honest, so that at the end of the day or in the morning Steph or Shan or my confidants can ask "how are your thoughts today?!" "Are you listening to the voice of truth?"

My prayer is that Father would kill the selfishness in me and continue to draw me to him. To show me what it looks like to live in the spirit and abiding in him, to not continually compare myself to others and dwell in my insecurities. To hand my fears and 'failures' over to him.


Many times Father has more faith in me than i have in myself, and I'm learning the reality of that statement.

Today so far has been wonderful and it has only started! I saw "S" a friend that I met last year that has been a continual friend throughout the year through myspace. but i didn't have the chance to talk to her because we were both switching trains, so hopefully we can get in contact!

Today I'm going to have lunch at the E-Special with Lin and i'm excited, not to talk about what Father is doing in my life but to hear about what he's doing in hers. My pr is that he can use the small amount of time to encourage both of us. I adore her and her heart and passion for Father.

I love you all, thanks for your prayers, Father is and has been and is continuing to do HUGE things

<3 me

Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who has made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. - Jeremiah 32:17

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing what concern, what readiness to see justice done... - Paul, 2 Corinthians 7

I've been reading 2 Corinthians for the 3rd time with Steph, and the third time around, this is what i've been sitting on: "But just as you excel in everything-- in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness , and in your love for us-- see that you also excel in the grace of giving. I am not commanding you, but I want you to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. (8:7-8). I've been 'sitting' on what it looks like to test the sincerity of my love. What it looks like to excel in faith, speech, knowledge, complete earnestness ... I long for that.... with these things not only will i grow a better person, patient, kind, able to encourage and mentor, a better daughter, a better sister and friend, and perhaps someday a wife who can communicate on every level understanding and support and encouragement and love... in all of those areas, but I will learn and know and meet more of this God that I so long to serve. I've got a long way to go, but i long to excel. I long to know Father more. I pray this not only over myself but over every single person that is dear to me and even those who I walk by daily.

Few know and/or realize that the Beatles' first gig was in Hamburg, in December of 1960 on Grosse Freiheit, a street off of the Reeperbahn. One of their former band members, Sutcliffe stayed in Hamburg with his fiance, and upon their third come to Hamburg the band found out he died from a brain hemorrhage -- I'm not sure how that information is significant to this post, i just found it interesting. Soon after his death, Epstein took over management of the band, and sought out a British Record Label. From beginning to play for audiences on the streets of Hamburg to Liverpool, to the whole world, I have failed to meet anyone who has never heard of the Beatles. That is my vision for Grossefreiheit today. Father is doing something huge in that area, that I can see reaching all of Hamburg, from there all of Germany, from there all of Europe, and the world. Father is a God who works in ways we cannot even fathom, what he's doing and what he's been doing is beyond my grasp and beyond my mind's ability to even think. He is full of power and strength and he IS mighty to save, and he IS the author of salvation.

Today I was reading, and I have been sitting on the idea of the manifestation of the word. "The life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it, and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with Father and was made manifest to us-- that which we have seen and heard and proclaim also to you..." (1 john 1:2-3a) He has made it manifest, or clear to us, so much so that we cannot deny who he is. Some days I do want to, but I know I can't deny what I've seen or heard, and what's even more powerful than my own testimony is the testimony of Christ.

Yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from the states. She and I took a german class together my first semester in Angelo and she has studied in Hannover during the second semester! It was nice to see her and catch up and hear about all her adventures, and it simply made me extremely excited to begin schooling and knowing all the relationships that will begin with other erasmus students (exchange students), locals, and other germans. I look forward to then but I'm also so encouraged in what is happening right now!

Today has been good. We woke up and went to many afghan shops looking for some necessities, etc. I've found such a love for these stores and the people who own them. I love their culture so so so much, and more so I adore the generosity and the kindness of the people! Since then I have been sleeping. I'm sick. Sore throat, runny nose, headache, earache, congestion, etc, etc, etc. But resting has been nice, and I'm sure it'll clear up soon. Currently I'm reviewing my German prepositions, and later will spend some down time with S & C. Tomorrow we're going to pray downtown, and i'm excited to see what all Father is continuing to do in that area!

Next thursday we leave to spend the rest of July with the interns in Koln. My prayer is that I can be an encourager from the background. Each intern is such an encouragement, and I'm excited to catch back up with them. It'll be nice to be there because then I'll know how to pray for them more specifically! I'm also excited to see my favorite kids, and spend more time with the S fam.

As always, Father is doing so much and I will leave you with his words, not mine...

'Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.' So the man went away and began to tell... how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed. - Mark 5:19-20

I hate fads. If people begin to read a book and it becomes popular, I won't want to read it. If everyone begins to like a certain band, I stop. I wanted my nose pierced and when I found out many others did too, I found myself wanting to take my piercing out. When I began realizing many people were wearing chacos/tevas, I instantly found myself wearing mine less. I don't want to fit into a nice 'christian' mold. I don't want to be seen as stereotypical, or as belonging to a fad-- something that lasts for a season and then fades away. As overseas missions becomes more popular, I begin to evaluate my reasons for coming overseas. Am I truly doing over here for Christ or am I here for something else to put on my 'spiritual resume', am I here because I want to live vicariously through others' faith? What am I doing here?

The past three summers I have spent overseas, and I've only been given those opportunities because Christ allowed it, but every year, even this one I learn more and more that regardless of where i live, we're all called. We are all called to reach the lost, we are all called to build relationships. The harvest is ready. Sometimes, we fail to see what God is doing because our hearts are hardened. We don't see people the way Christ sees them. We don't see people for who they are-- that they too, have hurts and joys and longings just as each of us do. That their souls are crying out. God sees every person. He knows every person, he cries over each and every soul. His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He knows us, better than we even know ourselves.

I'm tired of hearing believers who feel called overseas saying they can't stand the United States. I'm tired of believers who are in the United States not supporting foreign missions. And I'm definitely not saying that all Christians fall into one of those two categories but what I am saying is that I'm TIRED of all the crap. If we truly believe, if we really are seeking Christ we will see that Christ is calling us to reach out to those who are hungry, to those who are weak. To those who are desperate to know him. AND YES even to those who don't appear to be any of those. He not only calls us to the good soil but to the rough places and hard soil as well. He tells us to GO and speak his name. We're called to pour over souls and areas with prayer. We're called to share him, we're called to build relationships with others where they are at. We aren't called to turn people into projects, and we're also not called to live a content life of me-o logy. We're called to pursue love, and to eagerly desire Christ and his word (1 Corinthians).

Today as C-dawg spoke through tears he said "Men aren't stepping up, they are giving up." Are we giving up? Do we realize what "God's will" is? Following Christ means living as he lived, loving people the way he did and telling people about the God that is much much bigger than they or we are.... and the love he offers. Christ calls us to ASK for the nations. Is that truly the cry of our hearts? Is that truly the cry of my heart? In John 6, many disciples turn away from Christ and his teachings, because they realize it's hard stuff. It's beyond grasp, and to the world it's unreasonable and unfathomable. Christ turns to the 12 and asks, "Do you want to go away as well?" I love Peter's response. "Where, Lord, would we go?" They had seen and tasted of truth, he was and is undeniable. Where else would we go?

I'm called to the nations. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm called overseas (although if i am, I'll definitely take that), but it means that as a believer I am called to all people. And just as Paul, I strive to be all things to all people so that they may know the God I serve. I have no idea where my life will lead me, but I do know that wherever I am, i hope that I abide in Christ daily, I hope that I remember to put on the full armor of God daily, and can continually realize when i have parts of it off. I hope that in the seasons of my life when I feel far from God that I will cry in the night just as David did that he would restore to me the joy of my salvation.

We're all called.

Today S, a local believer looked at me, Steph and Shan before we went prayer walking and said, I can tell in your eyes you 3 have the armor on, and we're going in {to battle}. Father is doing HUGE huge HUGE things in the city of Hamburg, and he's only using me for a teensy teensy fraction of it. But I long to seek Christ, and I long to labor. The enemy constantly tells me i'm unworthy and that i'm incapable, and undesired not only by those around me but even by Christ, but i'm tired of believing those lies, and I want to strive to stand firm. To strengthen my weak knees and lift my drooping hands. I want to stop being distracted by the things OF Christ such as programs and 'missions,' but I want to look full in his face, unveiled. And my prayer is that you would join (because not only is Christ calling you but I need help being kept accountable) Just as Jesus told the disciples in John 4 -- do you not say 4 more months until the harvest? Look up. The harvest is here.

So, are you ready to wage war?

This summer is different because I'm not around anyone my age. It's difficult, but it also has it's rewards. Christ is showing me areas of my heart that need to be cleaned so I can fully serve him. Sometimes it's discouraging because there will always be areas of my heart that need cleaning, it's an ongoing process...

Last night, I felt discouraged, and displaced. I allowed worldly perceptions to break me down and hurt me. I long to keep the armor of God on daily.

But other than in my heart, Father is doing something huge in hearts of others... "S" contacted me, and she wants to get together for Coffee. It's hard because I will be leaving for Koln again, and she is leaving for Turkey, so hopefully we can get together before then or in August. It's funny because I always write to her in German which i don't know very well, and she responds in English, which she doesn't know very well. I've only spent time with her once this summer, but we've corresponded since. I can't wait until I get to see her again because when I'm with her, I feel like I am where i'm supposed to be. She has a beautiful heart and I can laugh with her, and talk with her, (german/english) and it's truly a friendship that has been birthed by Christ.

C-dawg recently told me of a girl he wants me to get in touch with. Her name is "M" and she's my age and has just moved back from the states, where she became a believer. I'm praying over the situation, and for clarity for when/if she contacts us.

There are more similar situations I could mention, but the main thing is prayer for them and also for wisdom, maturity, words and clarity. <3 i thank you guys so much

lara


*take not thy presence from me, for i desire to know you more*

Bread is life. They are synonymous. Perhaps in a previous post I explained this, but in many middle eastern cultures the words bread and life are one in the same. There isn't a difference. How much more significant this makes it when Christ says, "I am the bread of life.... this bread IS my flesh."? (John 6) Today as I ate at an Afghan restaurant I ate bread, and as I ate it, I ate it slowly. "I am the bread of life..." was being whispered in my ear with each bite I took. I saw a man sitting by himself the other day. He looked lonely, he looked homeless almost. He was sitting outside at a restaurant, and he held a piece of bread and he ate it slowly. I glanced across the street and saw another man eating a sandwich. How different would our world look if we truly feasted on THE bread of life?


I hate quoting Matt Chandler, because among many believer my age it seems he has become a "fad"-- the newest person to quote... and just as Matt said himself, we quote other preachers, and speakers and books and not the bible. We live vicariously through another person's faith, other than our own, because if we start reading the bible on our own, we know Father will want to deal with our idols and our faults first and we don't want to face that.... but I want to post a prayer he prayed at the end of a sermon, simply because it's the prayer of my heart today as I sit in Hamburg, Germany... as I pray for the team here, the souls here, as I am becoming broken because Father is showing me what it looks like to feast on him and drink of him...

Father help us. If you won't enlighten the eyes of our heart, if you won't speak to us, if you won't-- than all our effort would be for nothing, so we ask not that we would run hard, or even well, but that you would stir in our hearts an affection for you that would lead to movement outside of motivation from preacher. If you would do something in us tonight, if you could hear us as your children, crying out for your help... we agree with our brother David, restore to us the joy of our salvation, make fresh what has grown stale... we thank you Father, for the joys and the sorrows and trust that you are bringing about in us our good, our joy and your glory. I pray with the things that have been spoken and revealed by your spirit that you would haunt us tonight as we lay in bed, tomorrow when we wake up... haunt us.

Clean I call you clean
I came to clean you and it’s done
Here’s a call to all who’ve
Felt disqualified to run
Pleasures flowing here and there
From my right hand
What’s mine is yours
Come behold all of who I am

You and I will run
You and I will run forever
All is done
You and I will run

Come with what you do not have
And buy what’s undeserved
Feast and drink, the bounty’s great
I know you hear
But have you heard
Have you heard

Clean!
I’ve called you clean!
“I am dirty”
Clean!
“So unworthy”
Clean!
“Dirty”
- shane and shane

"Every one who thirsts, come to the waters; And you who have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”
(Is 55:1)
“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”
(2 Corinthians 5:21)

There are many places where Paul says "I die everyday," and every time I read this, I am reminded that that is our call. Paul says he counts everything as loss compared to knowing Christ. He claims that even though he comes trembling and in weakness and fear that he wants to know Christ and him crucified and that's it. Through reading the word, specifically 1 Corinthians, Father is showing me daily that I have to give up my hopes and my desires, my wants and my needs. That i can't constantly compare myself, because in doing so it's spiritual suicide. That all past trips, past experiences should be placed aside because I want to know nothing but Christ and him crucified. That's what I learned two weeks ago. Today as I sat over 1 Corinthians and discussed it w/ Stephie that again was taught, but I realized that I can't live for my profit, even my own spiritual profit, but for others. That i should show love to others, not so I feel comfortable or good, but for their hearts. If I am doing things for human reasons, what have I gained. Paul even poses the same question... What are my motivations? Christ's call upon my life, or my desires. Am I living in the flesh, am I trying to live in my own strength, or in the strength of Father... am I living in the spirit?

Steph and I talked a lot today about relationships, after reading about some of that in 1 Corinthians, and as I read and as I conversed about it, I realized that I am thankful for the different roles. I'm thankful that Christ should be the head (obviously) and that as a woman, I'd be 'under' the man. Steph was telling me that in Wild at Heart they used a verse from Isaiah (we aren't sure which one) that shows that the man is like the oak tree, while the woman is like the branches. But really we should seek to love people and our 'specific' others like Christ loves the church... forgiveness, love, and much much more.

I believe I will begin to note the ways Christ loves the church, even though i've 'heard them' and technically 'know them'... but that's the thing... i'm always discovering new ways in which he loves, and i long to have the mind of Christ... i long to love like he loves, and i long to decrease so that he may increase.

I'm learning what it means to love others when I don't 'feel like it.' I'm learning what it looks like to show Christ's love to everyone, and i'm realizing more so what his love looks like. I desire not for people to just know Jesus, but to know him with their hearts and to thrill toward him.

pray for the contacts we've made and will hopefully meet back up with :)

It's nice to be back in Hamburg, and i'm excited because Father is doing something great.

To tell you in my own words what is going on in Koln, Hamburg, Germany and in me, the interns, etc... in my own words would almost dumb it down, so I will let the following tell you what is going on..

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.- Paul, Ephesians 6:10-11

Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens-- what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave-- what can you know?
Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea....


Yet, if you devote your heart to him
and if you stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then you will lift up your face without shame;
and you will stand firm and without fear.

-Job 11:7-9; 13-15


I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. IN that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will recieve and your joy will be complete.
-Jesus; John 16:20-24

I served the Lord with great humility and with tears, although I was severely tested by the plots of the Jews... And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prisons and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. - Paul, Acts 20:19, 22-24

"Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem fo rht name of the Lord Jesus." - Paul, Acts 21:13

Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time-- God, the blessed and only ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. - Paul to Timothy, 1 Timothy 6:12-16

Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season, rebuke and encourage-- with great patience and careful instruction. For time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Insead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my depature. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. -- Paul to Timothy, 2 Timothy 4:2-7

Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of his might. Ephesians 6: 10

The past two weeks have been spent working in Koln, not only helping the team here but also working along side the interns, while also meeting many who live here and building relationships and friendships.

For the first time, in a very long time, I have truly begun to realize what it means to walk with the Lord, daily. There are good days, there are hard days, there are mediocre days.


For the first time, and I am unsure why i didn't put the puzzle pieces together before, I have learned that I must always focus on what God is doing, and not on what "didn't" happen... because then I will miss all the amazing things he is doing... I can't rely on my perception, I can't rely on my human eyes, but I must place all my strength, all my hope, and all my trust in him...

I know this entry was short, but i hope to get a better and more indetail one up in the next few days, I will be back in Hamburg on Saturday!

-ljo

Father is teaching me so much ranging from where my insecurities and securities lie to what he is and has been calling me to. It's exciting to see how things and people have changed from the past year (including two starbucks... which have taken the place of 1) my favorite eis shop and 2) my favorite restaurant).

He has shown me areas in my life where I have been disobedient and ones in which I need to grow and seek and be everything he's called me to be. But more importantly I'm learning that it is in fact: not all about me.

How funny, that this is a lesson that we all seem to learn, but for once, maybe .. just MAYBE I am learning this with my heart and not just my head. To daily take off what my wants are, wanting to be acknowledged by others, wanting to be loved, and chosen, wanting to be told how good of a person I am, etc... all my wants and more to be shed away to where i live and know Christ and him crucified... and that is ALL.

Father is breaking my heart not only for this country but for those who are seeking to know and be (eros). Today I sat and re-read a poem written by Nietzsche and I sat the rest of the 45 minutes in tears, wiping my eyes, hoping nobody would notice.

Hearts are seeking to know truth... hearts are seeking to know God, and him alone. I'm unsure what would have happened if someone had reached out to Nietzsche the way i see students reaching out to others... I'm unsure how different Germany would have been, how different thoughts and philosophies would have been if Nietzsche had experienced true community... but i long to show others love, because love builds up, without love... there is nothing. (“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”- 1 John 4:11-12) --

God is calling us to live a life in obedience to him. To see the world the way he sees it. The danger of serving in America is the comfortability of church. It's easy to skate by feeling like you're an okay Christian, but not living the life Christ has truly called us to live. It's easy to be satisfied with the typical church service, typical outreach, but what is all that without discipleship, truly reaching out to others and loving them as people and souls rather than a service project and/or duty. Do we share Father, and our lives because we TRULY love that person or because we simply want to "win more souls for the kingdom?" - (1 Thessalonians 2:8)

~

This poem was written when Nietzsche was 20 i believe... he declared God as dead when he was 23? maybe? i'm unsure, but it wasn't too long after-

To the Unknown God (1864)

Once more, before I wander on
And turn my glance forward,
I lift up my hands to you in loneliness —
You, to whom I flee,
To whom in the deepest depths of my heart
I have solemnly consecrated altars
So that
Your voice might summon me again.

On them glows, deeply inscribed, the words:
To the unknown god.
I am his, although until this hour
I've remained in the wicked horde:
I am his—and I feel the bonds
That pull me down in my struggle
And, would I flee,
Force me into his service.

I want to know you, Unknown One,
You who have reached deep into my soul,
Into my life like the gust of a storm,
You incomprehensible yet related one!
I want to know you, even serve you.


-Lara

today is laundry day!

Tomorrow, I will leave for Cologne, Germany to help the M there for 10 days. This is the last summer the M is there and the interns will get there on the 13th. We are going to help with logistical things such as money and getting everything in order such as train tickets and stuff. It'll be nice to go back to Cologne, but i'm more excited about getting to spend time with J and the family again! We go back to Cologne toward the end of July.

So many wonderful things are happening here, and I'm so excited to be able to be a part of it all. God is getting me excited over so many wonderful things. He is definitely at work, and the the 2 week team that was here definitely planted some seeds in the hearts of others!

Yesterday we went to Planten un Blomen (platt deutsch) and saw a light show/water show at the park. It was a nice time :)


<3

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!

-Lara

She sits in the corner, next to a big tree. A tree that seems to be alive and well to the onlooker, but it never grows, it never changes. The smell of smoke surrounds her, and gazing up, she sights a young man carefully looking through some art work while balancing a cigarette between both lips. He studies the work with a friend, analyzing every aspect. Getting restless, he stands up, sets down the work and orders another coffee. A young couple around the corner are together, but also apart as they are both on their phones. Next to her, six grown business men sit around the smallest table... each one with a smile on his face. They lack fashion sense, but the jolly laughter filing the room makes up for all the knowledge they lack in dressing themselves. Around her life is happening, yet here she sits, next to a tree that never grows. It never changes.

*********************************************************************



God is not an idea to be thought about, he's not some abstract reality.

To follow Jesus doesn't remove us from the stuff of life. It is not resolution. It is tension and journey. First John 2:6 states "whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." Jesus was in the world, engaged, alive, involved, making a difference. To follow him, we must do the same. His prayer for us in John 17 is "Not that you take them out of the world..." and "as you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world." (verses 15,18) This is what God has done for us..

Watch this Christ. Watch as He is accused of being a drunkard, of associating with tax collectors. Watch as he brings healing to the afflicted, love to prostitutes, a forgiveness to sinners... Watch and fall in love with a God who does not resolve, whose rescue is never-ending. Whose prayer is that you would be that rescue. Who sends you to be that rescue. Be courageous.

-David Crowder, Praise Habit

Today has been such a refreshing day. I started off the morning feeling "off," with this overbearing feeling of not understanding myself, not understanding Father, and feeling as if i was living a life in which my faith was slowly dying. I spent the morning praying, journaling and trying to figure out what has changed in my heart since last summer. I know much has changed, and situations are different, and I'm missing family and friends more so than I have in the past, but what was I failing to admit, what was I not willing to 'give up?'

As I sat on my bed this morning the words "i give you my hopes and dreams ... in your hands... i belong to you" entered my mind and I realized that I have to trust Father now, that my hopes and dreams are in his hands... he promises us that in Jeremiah 29:11... I spent the next hour before leaving in prayer and reading some chapters of Psalms... around 11:45 S and I left for church. We went to the IBC (international baptist church), and the sermon was on exactly that-- allowing Father to have control...

God is all that I need to know for tomorrow, he's all that i need to know for today...

I was introduced to many amazing 'believers' today, all with a passion for Christ, and it was neat to see so many gather in worship. My heart is growing for this area... it's beginning to beat to a drum of worship... of praise, something that has been missing the past few days.

I leave for Koln on Saturday, and I'm excited to not only see J and P and the fam, not only to see LJ from Lbk or RB from Center, or CH, but to see a harvest I've so fallen in love with... I oh so miss the train system there, to see how things have and are changing... and the lessons i'll learn there to bring back to hamburg.. <3

you live a life that we could never live
you pay the price that none of us could pay
you came to die so that the dead might truly live
you gave the gift, that only you could give

words can't describe
songs can't convey
all you have done, we stand amazed
so may our lives, for the rest of our days
be acceptable to you

It's my second day here, and already Father is doing things beyond what I could ask or imagine. Yesterday, in the midst of my jet lag, I realized that I am exactly where i'm supposed to be. I spent the day with S, and she made sure i was staying awake. We had amazing conversations about the past year, what the summer will hold and what is happening right now. I also have spent a great deal of time with the team that is here. They are a team from SBU (2 of which were students of the Dr. Billy Victor)-- and it's been great getting to know their hearts and see the passion they have for JC.

I want to be able to stand up for what I believe in more. I know I am a sinner and I'm dirty and I fail all the time, but I'm longing to be free-- I'm longing to be cleansed. I long for Father to be so present in not only my life, but the lives of every single person I come in contact with. I long to need him and to pray to him. I'm longing for a passion so fervent, and so overwhelming...

Today two divine appointments happened. I won't go into detail mainly due to lack of time-- but it's a major praise and I can't even thank God enough for the contacts he has given the team.

I'm excited...

It’s 10:48, and the day has just begun. I enjoy this… waking up late, getting to work, feeling relaxed…. But it’s those feelings that make me nervous, because I have exams tomorrow and I have failed to study as well as i should.Other things are on my mind. Last night, Sara and her fiancé Sean and I sat outside for what seemed like only a few minutes and gazed at the night sky. A firework show; put on by the creator himself was dawning. It was magnificent. The lightening quickly became the best light show I had ever seen. We stood there in silence breathing in the beauty. Less than 12 hours later I find myself thinking back to the moment, smiling at how we were mesmerized and thanking Father for the hope he has given me in him.My worries about silly things are fading, and I’m glad. Things are changing quickly. In 20 days, I will be in Hamburg. Many think it sounds exciting, and while yes it will be, it’ll also be the hardest work I’ve ever done… and I’ll never be fully ready for what’s ahead. I got my traveler's insurance today... so that's exciting. :)

As I read Matthew 10, I am filled with compassion. I find it interesting that Jesus says "Go nowhere among the Gentiles, and enter no town of the Samaritans, but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel." (v. 5) I'm nervous about Hamburg. I have no idea what is in store, what my duties will be, if any. Who I'll meet, and how I'll invest in people. I know I will begin to learn the city, that as I learn the city, I will learn the community. Father will put relationships in my life that are unlike any I've ever had. I know I'll be put through challenges and I'll probably even get frustrated. I pray that I keep a good attitude, that I do this all out of love for Father. That i don't get caught up in the logistical things or the "drama" but more so in the country, and the passion I have for meeting others in Father's name. I want to meet with people, not only the locals but those coming in, those already there. I long for team unity, and I pray against division. I pray against distractions, and lies of the devil. I'm there to serve Father. I know "everything" with my head, I long to know them with my heart. I pray that i'm over there for the right reasons. I'm not there for me. I'm not there to be in Germany. I'm not there to learn the language (although i hope my language skills get better). I'm there to serve Father, that he might use me, mold me, break me, fill me... and teach me. That he will diminish me until there is no me left- only him. That he will work through me. When people look at me, i don't want them to see me. i want them to see Father. And I know these are cliche phrases, but I want them to be REAL, i am praying them from the bottom of my heart.


If you asked me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you ask me to go
Preach to a lost world that Jesus saves

I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

If you ask me to run
And carry your light into foreign land
If you ask me to fight
Deliver your people from satan's hand

I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart
and to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

It's difficult for me to comprehend that I leave in 30 days. The fact that in 30 days I will be on a plane, going to Germany is pretty much crazy. I'm excited, and I'm nervous, but this past week Father has shown me that Hamburg is definitely where he wants me this summer. As I read about the disciples being called to service in Matthew 10, it's so easy to say "well this is historical, and entirely different concept-- their goal, their calling was completely different." But deep down, I know it's the same. God is calling each and everyone of us to him. To follow him in obedience.

I want to share some words from my soon to be apartment mate :)

The Father has been equipping you for this time and will use you greatly. He has hopeand a future for you.

When you arrive, we'll have a team on 9-10 people on the ground and they'll be here until 2 June.

So how can I be praying for you as you prepare to come here? Its already Spring here with all the flowers and trees blooming. It's really beautiful now. The Father is continuing to open doors and beactive in people's hearts.

I leave for Hamburg May 28th. I still need a lot of money, not to mention I have no idea how we'll pay for my 2nd ticket to Hannover for October 1st (when I have to arrive there). I'm not worried but at the same time, I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So i guess i'm still in the tunnel. Currently I'm working on getting insurance and raising money for necessary things i'll need while there. It can be frustrating but exciting at the same time.

I answered a few questions for C. Meek at the igo headquarters last week, and I want to share them here.

So as past JSIs, I would love for you to impart some wisdom to this years' students. If you would each answer the following questions and send them to me, I would appreciate it. The quicker the better!

1. Tell me a funny story that happened to you while in country
2. What is one thing that you wish you would have known before you went overseas?
3. What is the most significant thing you learned?Thanks guys! If you know any other past JSIs pass this on so I can get their response as well.


here are my answers:

1. A funny story. One morning I was instructed to sleep in, and not show up to the hostel until after 12:00. I apparently had been getting their too early, leaving too late and not getting enough sleep and i'm sure it was apparant. I slept as long as I could sleep in and it was only 10. Instead of twiddling my thumbs and waiting around at an empty apartment, I decided to grab my bible and go to starbucks. After I had gotten a drink, and read for awhile, i went to the train stop and sat next to a turkish lady. Usually I was yearning for conversations to happen, for divine appointments, but on that day I was hoping no one would talk to me. The turkish lady looked like she wouldn't say much so there I sat right next to her. It was about 20 minutes until my train arrived, so I sat down and simply watched people. A few minutes later, a Turkish wedding went by... which means there were many cars, and bells and whistles and yelling. The Turkish lady began to chuckle and I could hear the merriment in her laugh...she turned to me and started speaking to me (in German). She was speaking about celebrations and weddings and marriage. I would respond with laughter and the few German words I know. I can understand, but it's hard for me to respond. Eventually, I surprisingly heard her asking me to date her son... and she invited me over for dinner. I was stunned! Luckily, a week earlier, I had a conversation with Steph a missy in Hamburg, who has Turkish men hitting on her all the time-- she said, "the only way they will leave you alone is to tell them your father won't approve." So I looked at the lady and I said, "I'm so sorry, my Father wouldn't approve." - in broken German. Luckily my train had arrived, right as I said that. :-D

2. It's always nice to have the goal laid out for you before going. It's easy to adapt and flexibility is definitely a key, but this past summer especially I wish roles had been a little more defined. I wish I had gone into the summer realizing this would be the case, and I think my flexibility would have been even better. There are many things I would have changed about what I knew and how i reacted, on a personal level-- nothing anyone but myself could help with. ♥(i'm unsure if that answers the question)

3. It's always hard to answer this question, because you learn so many things while overseas. One thing to remember is God is always going to interrupt your plans and show you his. He'll eventually line up your heart with his, and when he does, it's simply divine. Father truly showed me overseas (While in Japan and Germany) that we are in a war. We hear this, over and over-- but there is nothing like seeing it unfold before your eyes. He's taught me that things aren't about myself but about others and simply speaking his name to others. Going to Germany for two years, I have met some contacts that have been pretty consistant, that I've prayed for through out the year. One of those contacts, I was unable to even meet with-- I only longed to give her a bible, but I would always miss her, she would leave before i was able to get there, or she wouldn't be at the school that day... I questioned why. I didn't understand... but God knows what he's doing. It was near the end, that I felt God tell me, "She had the chance to hear... the seed was watered, let me grow her." We hear it over and over, "it's God who does the growing." And we say we believe it, but it's not until things like this happen that we begin to understand it. God does the impossible, he does more than we can ask or imagine. He divinely directs us and calls us to areas we thought impossible. Sometimes we don't realize it until looking back, sometimes we realize it in the moment-- but God is always there, always guiding, always teaching. He taught me what engaging him is versus believing in him. Donald Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz, says one of the greatest tricks of the Devil is causing believers to become "too religious" that they forget to engage God. Before going overseas, this was a trap I fell in to.... My life was definitely ruined from going to Germany, it'll never be the same as it was, and God is only showing me more of himself each day, using each experience i've ever had to help me for today. He's never going to put me in a situation he knows I can't handle. He knows what he's doing.



Thank you everyone for your prayers <3
Lara

Hey everyone, I want to thank those of you who knew about the apparent "falling out" of my summer, I thank you for your prayers, your concerns, and your encouragement. This past week has been so up and down and my emotions really cannot take much more. After I sent an email to those of you in my prayer list email (if you'd like to be a part of that email and don't get my monthly updates-- let me know; i'm not really sure if they are as exciting as they are wordy--) I spent most of my day in tears wondering what exactly God was trying to teach me through all this. I felt so sure that Hamburg was were I was supposed to spend my summer. Part of the day, I actually convinced myself that God doesn't need me, nor does he want me. Eventually, I found myself through my tears and mixed feelings realizing I was succombing to the devil's lies he constantly whispers in my ears. After journaling and reading some I finally became content with the idea of staying home for the summer; after all-- I will be back in Germany in October for schooling. Yesterday, my dad told me he bought me a round trip plane ticket for this summer.He was able to get it for $80 with frequent flier miles. (:-D) May 28th-August 28th. I am still going to Hamburg for the summer. The money raising is not over however. I still need to earn money to pay for things while i'm there- such as food and train tickets, insurance and some other necessary things I will be doing. Because the school year doesn't start until October, the German government won't allow me to have my residential permit; i.e. visa until then. Also- for the flier miles we had to buy a round trip ticket. Therefore August 28th-September 31 I will be back in America, hopefully earning/raising money for my second ticket to Germany. It's complicated and frustrating, but I know things are as they should be. The interruption into all my plans for this summer was one that was definitely needed. Wondering why this was happening, it made me realize what exactly "going" means and consists of. The divine interruption allowed me to re-evaluate myself and my intentions and why i'm going and even if I should be going. I'm growing and learning through all this; i've learned to simply trust God-- and that interruptions in our lives are truly divine. :)

It's paradoxical in a sense(did i just make up a word?) that there can be so few things going on and so many things going on at the same time. Father is doing something HUGE where I am right now. What exactly that is, I'm unsure (which is usually the case). There are days that I feel nothing is happening, that I'm simply trying to get through the day to get to the next... I hate having this attitude!!

Spring Break is coming up and for this i'm truly thankful. Sure, it'll be full of getting things done such as dentist appointments, and bridal showers (for my sister), and getting my visa (hopefully this will go well)...

My heart is sometimes anxious and worried but I have full confidence in who I'm serving. :)

Lara