For as long as I can remember, there are times when I'm sitting in class, and I just start writing in my spiral about whatever is on my heart. Last night while going through my spiral from last semester I found two things I had written, when I wrote them I'm not sure, but it's interesting to read them and then compare them to who I am and how I feel today. (note: I'm may not be the best writer out there, but i'm extremely talented at writing depressing thoughts!!..)
There is an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I have no idea what it is or for how long it has been there. I feel anxious, unsure, longing for something more. Many days I feel inadequate- but not lately. I feel capable of doing things, I just feel incapable of being normal -- of calming down, of settling down in one area. Why has life unfolded for me as such? What makes me different? I know I shouldn't compare myself to others... it's actually the last thing I should do, but I'm human -- this is what I do. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day, but at the same time I feel there are too jmany. I feel that my life is full of desires and dreams and no reality. I long to move away, to be someone not held accountable. What are morals anyway? Are they some genetic makeup? I feel like I don't know who I am. I'm always unsure of myself-- wondering what others think of me-- why can't I see myself the way God sees me? Insead, I see this girl who is unsure of everything, incapable of maturity. I'm so tired of it all. I've spent my life living it for others-- it's time I lived it for myself, and more importantly-- Father. Besides, what is there to life other than living it? I will seek you Lord, I'll seek to proclaim.
Today I want to cry. I feel confused and lost among the crowd. I find myself wanting to get everything over with and by everything I mean absolutely everything. I feel as if I cna never been good enough-- that i'm a constant dissapointment, and it makes me want to scream until I have no voice left and all I can do is cry. I want to curl up in my bed and put the covers over my head and think about not thinking. I've come to realize that in every situation I'm percieved (or i percieve myself to be) the one at fault. Blame is always easy to place on myself. Why? Because I'll take it, and I'll slowly allow it to hurt me, to kill me, and that... that is even more painful.
Today, Sept 21, 2007, it's as if i've stepped out of my own heart and sat with my legs crossed on the ground, chin in my hand and gazed through a window at my soul. I'm realizing who I am, who I've become and realizing there are still some kinks and hard areas of my heart that need to be worked out. There always will be, I'm human, I'm not perfect, I fail. There still are days I feel like I can't please or do anything right-- like today for example. I sit and sift through boxes that consist of every belonging I own and get lost in a world of the past, and find myself crying tears when I find myself in real time. Lately I forget where I am as I stare off into space. Usually, it's a sign that I'm deep in thought, and I think.. .no, i know that I am lost in memories, memories that aren't even a week old yet. I relive them, I dream them, I wake up imagining how things were these past few weeks and excited for the time when I'm able to make more memories such as these. This past summer, I remember taking deep breaths and breathing in all that was around me-- the life, the smells, the true feeling of something bigger being near. I long to do that with life. I long to breath in and know that there is something bigger, to breath in life, but to also not be blind to the dark. I have worries about now, about the future, small things, big things, but I'm happy. I'm confident, I'm finding a balance. I'm looking forward to this year, and I even look forward to the hard, painful moments, because I want to learn how to deal with things in a healthy way, I long to learn to not only be dramatic and emotional, but to allow God into my emotions, to truly hear from Him, to abide in Him, and to love with his love.
There is an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I have no idea what it is or for how long it has been there. I feel anxious, unsure, longing for something more. Many days I feel inadequate- but not lately. I feel capable of doing things, I just feel incapable of being normal -- of calming down, of settling down in one area. Why has life unfolded for me as such? What makes me different? I know I shouldn't compare myself to others... it's actually the last thing I should do, but I'm human -- this is what I do. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day, but at the same time I feel there are too jmany. I feel that my life is full of desires and dreams and no reality. I long to move away, to be someone not held accountable. What are morals anyway? Are they some genetic makeup? I feel like I don't know who I am. I'm always unsure of myself-- wondering what others think of me-- why can't I see myself the way God sees me? Insead, I see this girl who is unsure of everything, incapable of maturity. I'm so tired of it all. I've spent my life living it for others-- it's time I lived it for myself, and more importantly-- Father. Besides, what is there to life other than living it? I will seek you Lord, I'll seek to proclaim.
Today I want to cry. I feel confused and lost among the crowd. I find myself wanting to get everything over with and by everything I mean absolutely everything. I feel as if I cna never been good enough-- that i'm a constant dissapointment, and it makes me want to scream until I have no voice left and all I can do is cry. I want to curl up in my bed and put the covers over my head and think about not thinking. I've come to realize that in every situation I'm percieved (or i percieve myself to be) the one at fault. Blame is always easy to place on myself. Why? Because I'll take it, and I'll slowly allow it to hurt me, to kill me, and that... that is even more painful.
Today, Sept 21, 2007, it's as if i've stepped out of my own heart and sat with my legs crossed on the ground, chin in my hand and gazed through a window at my soul. I'm realizing who I am, who I've become and realizing there are still some kinks and hard areas of my heart that need to be worked out. There always will be, I'm human, I'm not perfect, I fail. There still are days I feel like I can't please or do anything right-- like today for example. I sit and sift through boxes that consist of every belonging I own and get lost in a world of the past, and find myself crying tears when I find myself in real time. Lately I forget where I am as I stare off into space. Usually, it's a sign that I'm deep in thought, and I think.. .no, i know that I am lost in memories, memories that aren't even a week old yet. I relive them, I dream them, I wake up imagining how things were these past few weeks and excited for the time when I'm able to make more memories such as these. This past summer, I remember taking deep breaths and breathing in all that was around me-- the life, the smells, the true feeling of something bigger being near. I long to do that with life. I long to breath in and know that there is something bigger, to breath in life, but to also not be blind to the dark. I have worries about now, about the future, small things, big things, but I'm happy. I'm confident, I'm finding a balance. I'm looking forward to this year, and I even look forward to the hard, painful moments, because I want to learn how to deal with things in a healthy way, I long to learn to not only be dramatic and emotional, but to allow God into my emotions, to truly hear from Him, to abide in Him, and to love with his love.
