What is your legacy?

guess just pray for me--

i am not understanding my homework at all for grammar, and the exam is not until January 22nd... but i HAVE to do well on the exam or I don't even pass the class. and I really have no way to know how i'm doing in the class. I feel like i won't be able to remember everything.. and i'm stressing now because Naomi will be here which is not stressful but what is stressful is that I will feel bad for studying.. so, pray that i'll find time to study, that I will study affectively, that i will begin to understand, and that i will just feel at peace and content. i just feel anxious and nervous when i can't understand things.

I am not putting myself down when i say this but i am literally the dumbest one in all my classes. Today in Phonetik i felt like such a fool because she kept having me read out loud and then make everyone analyze what i said or did wrong. i felt so stupid. Things like that make me not want to try anymore.

things will come together i'm sure, and if i fail the class... oh well, i fail... i'll make up for it in san angelo somehow.

right?

<3

lara

There's a mountain not very far from here. Some say it's a hill, but i'm SURE it is and only can be a mountain. During the spring season, it is a deep color green, the definite paint strokes of a master painter to make grass of a certain kind, embellished by the reds and yellows of the wild flowers. I come to this mountain often... it is my secret place, the place that I am sure I can find myself. Here, I can lay in the midst of the flowers and stare straight into the heavens. Here, no one can tell me what to do, who I should be, how I should act. Time stops here. I am free to dance, free to laugh, and to simply spin in circles until I fall over in laughter... only doing so for me, not for an audience, not to gain attention. Here I am able to fall over in deep sorrow, tears of hopelessness falling freely from my eyes amongst the flowers. I sometimes feel like I Alice in Alice and the Looking Glass. Crying an ocean that I will shrink into and float away... but I have hope.

I've been coming here since I was young, rarely (if ever) inviting anyone to come with me. It hurts too much when others cannot see the beauty; it hurts too much when others only see a hill.

There are days that I begin to see the mountain as the others do. I say to myself, "perhaps it IS just a hill, perhaps the flowers are all weeds," and I find myself becoming blind to the beauty. I hate these days, because it is on these days that I begin to hate myself. I no longer can lay amongst the flowers and stare at the sky, but I find myself wanting to pull the flowers and throw them while tears are streaming down my face. I hate this hill.

But that's just a moment. I love this mountain. I love that it's not just a place to escape reality, but it is reality.

Just the other day I went for a walk, and I found an opening in the forest. The noise of water filled my ears and I kept walking forward. The cool mist began to splash upon my face, and I realized I discovered something new on this mountain I had known for so long. A new passion began to fill my heart as I noticed this new found beauty. I'll now come here. Now, this will be my place, within a place.

This morning, I went with a few of the women from the church I am attending to go to a conference at the church I attended quite a few times while in Hamburg. As the train rolled into the city, I felt this overwhelming feeling. At first, I wasn't sure what to think, and just brushed it to the side. It was raining, as usual, because Hamburg is definitely known for it's rain, raining more than Hannover (that says a LOT... trust me) and always coming when least expected at any time. I wasn't really enjoying myself, because I was the only one my age, and it was early and I was tired, and just wanted to be back in my bed. I woke up only wanting to talk to select people that I couldn't really speak to, and wishing, once again, that i was back home and not here.

As I walked into the church, I felt I could breathe. The previous day, I had recieved an email from the lady who is an active member of the church and who I did a lot of pr-walking with this summer, and I had yet to respond to it, but i walked through the doors of the room and she looked up and smiled and said "no way." I rushed to her and for the first time, in two months, i received what I had been searching for. A hug from a family member. I have recieved hugs, from those who care for me here in Hannover, but this one was one of I love you, I know what struggles you have been going through, and I have been praying for you. And all that was said in a hug.

Later we began worship and as we sang, "All your promises are true" (lyrics found later in this post ;-)) The overwhelming feeling came back. And I knew, as tears came to my eyes (big surprise) that Christ was telling me, "Lara, see... I'm with you, and I never left you...and look, look at this harvest field." Coming to Hamburg today, was a good decision. As I sang with tears and my eyes and remembering what Father had taught me that summer-- for the first time, I sat and reflected on it, I was reminded of so much. The coolest part of it all was, I didn't think of specific memories or the fun times or who I missed, but I found myself hurting again with compassion for the lost. I found myself longing to pray, and to prayer walk and to dwell and meditate on the word. I was reminded of lessons I learned, that I had not forgotten but had placed to the side as I have lately begun to place myself on top priority rather than God.

Now, to say everything was all magically fixed and I'm all magically well and happy would be such a wonderful thing to say. I still reached the bump of the day later, where i found myself on the verge of tears throughout everything, but I am finding strength in my weakness.... I believe so, anyway. I want to find that and strive to daily place my confidence in Christ, to hold captive my thoughts.

We walked around the city and we went to one of my favorite places, the bombed out church. It's not too exciting after seeing it once or twice, but i always gravitate toward one sculpture built upon bricks from a concentration camp... along with a saying by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Today, as I sat there looking at it, noticing the rain droplets falling down his face like tears, I knew that Christ is ALWAYS with us.

Shaking, she tries to reach out her hand. Yearning for affection, she searches but realizes she’s too weak to even open her eyes. She paints for herself a face, a façade if you will. She is disgusted by the fact that we are all actors, and posers in this play called life, even sometimes she feels spirituality becomes a play, but deep down deals with the great sorrow that she is the worst of them all… She deceives herself, tricking herself that she is happy, that she trusts God. She hurts deeply, and many days can’t distinguish the hurt, it comes out during moments that fluster her and cause her angst. She is scared, weak, and hurting. Collapsing to the floor she finds herself in deep sobs, knowing everyone in the next room can hear her. There is so much life around her yet, she feels as if there is no where to turn. When did life begin to feel so lifeless? “You are God. You never change, You are faithful. I will trust you, even when I don’t know where I’ll find the strength...even when I'm scared.”

There are days that I feel so alone, and I know most of it is my own doing... I'm secluding myself, I'm focusing on myself and not the place I'm in or the God I claim to trust. Some days I feel as if I'm sitting in a country that is all too familiar yet all too foreign simply waiting on someone to come save me from this mess, from this trap that is in my mind... from the moments that i get stuck in. I find myself dwelling and drawing into myself, getting lost in my thoughts....feeling forgotten and pointless-- but I don't want to get lost in my thoughts anymore, I want to get lost in Christ.

"My heart says of you "Seek His face."
Your face Lord, I will seek." - Psalm 27:8

I've always been emotional... it's part of what makes up me. I have to learn to not always follow my feelings, because feelings change, but to trust and follow Christ. These feelings of being alone... WILL change. As I sit here, I wonder what ever made me think I could do this...but I'm glad I am here, I'm thankful for the lonely moments, the moments of sorrow. I want to come to Father and say "I don't know how this year will work, but I long to be vulnerable to you..."

Today, I was reading and came across a quote that I have read and heard plenty of times...

Lord, make me a crisis man. Let me not be a milepost on a single road, but make me a fork that men must turn one way or another in facing Christ in me. - Jim Elliot.

after reading that one, I came across another quote which says, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby.

After reading both, I found myself staring at the wall and sipping my hot tea lost in thought. After awhile i shifted my gaze to my clock and noticed I had been sitting there for an hour, mesmerized in thought by these two quotes. I then found myself praying Jim Elliot's prayer. I was scared to pray it, but knew I must. I prayed that others would be uncomfortable around me-- Christ being so evident that they would have to "turn one way or another." -- this is a scary prayer for me, because i AM a people pleaser, I do want to live for my Savior, but at the same time I want everyone to like me and be comfortable around me... but even Paul says in Galatians-- "If i were still trying to please people, I would not be a slave to Christ."

Currently, I am learning much. The past month has been so good for me, and I'm glad it was a part of my life. I'm currently attending a church here, and tonight as I worshiped, I realized something great-- I realized something that I thought I knew, but I'm learning even more, funny how that seems to always work....

I have a beautiful sister, S that i have now known for a month.... I'm praying about beginning an LTG with her-- (life transformation group)... I want to be really prayerful about it before asking... and have been praying since i first met her. She has already been such a blessing in my life. She's 22, and so in love with Father and so hungry for his word. ** Speaking of which, JSIs.. I need the LTG questions-- if any of you have them, or some... will you give me a copy of them? I don't want to ask her until i have the questions so i can show her... **

A beautiful Japanese couple just began to attend services at the church-- they are such a joy to be around and I love talking to them about their country. They have a beautiful daughter, (of which I can speak the few japanese words i know... they told me my pronunciation is great... but honestly, japanese isn't that hard to pronounce...) There are many other family members I have met, and I am filled with great joy and encouragement while around them, and even during the week, but I am also finding friendships outside this arena as well...

Father is putting many people on my heart that I know through the Uni... I'm finding friendships that are quite valuable and amazing... I'm learning a side of germans that is beautiful and amazing. They really are one of the most giving, loving, accepting people groups I have ever met. They love to give and to love, and show kindness... I've never really experienced this before while being here, because the venue i was in was much different. I am always put in awe as to how far people have gone for me-- Johanna and Lena are two girls who work for my supervisor here, and they have helped me with so much from my visa to bank accounts, to much more... and Jana and Jessica are two who studied in Angelo who have taken me out and encouraged me and much much much more. I'm so blessed and honored.

I am going to Hamburg for Thanksigiving, and I'm so excited to see my family there. <3 and to see Sandra and Alejandro at the love club.

I'm learning to seek Christ first in all I do-- in every situation.... in every relationship, every day

miss you all. and I'm praying for my "readers." aka.. you.

<3 love,
Lara Jo

i have a visa.

<3 yay