What is your legacy?

So what do I learn from this? How do I move on?

Well first off, I have learned how great the God I serve is. He has drawn me to himself, shown me that I cannot and should not try to find my worth in man. He has shown me places in my heart that need to be broken and changed, that I struggle with wanting to be heard instead of simply listening.. and is teaching me to keep silent when I should. Biblical submission is something I have to learn, as a follower of Christ, as a woman. The idea of placing Christ first and to put my faith and trust and hope fully in him is one I hear often, one I think I understand, but is not one I truly know with my heart. I do not want to get caught up in what was, what could have been, what could be or what will be, I want to get caught up in Christ. I do not want to harbor anger or sadness, I want to find joy in Father. I want to live for Christ.... wherever He takes me, I am willing and ready and happy to serve. Today, I was writing a letter to a friend on a napkin while sitting at a coffee shop... on it, I was writing to her, but it was almost as if Christ was speaking to me as I wrote the words. “You are on my heart and mind. You know... sometimes everything seems unclear, even the present situations we find ourselves in – but as much as you know this... PLACE YOUR HEART IN CHRIST'S HANDS. Let GO and look to Father.”

i am tired of living life for myself

Today is my last "day" in Hannover, actually I leave in 2 hours. I am nervous, excited, happy and bit confused. I still have a week in Hamburg, but life in Hannover has slowly become life and in many ways it is difficult to imagine anything else... this year has been a year of growing so I feel in many aspects that I have grown up here. The past week was full of goodbyes, last dates of drinking coffee with Lena and Jana, coffee with Jessica, meeting Johanna for coffee and amazing conversation, (coffee is a common theme..) dinners and hugs, imagining the future of them visiting Texas, and the hope I will someday visit Hannover again...

July has been an amazing month... I have allowed myself to grieve and hurt because of some things but have learned to hand over hurt and pain and longings to Christ. I am ready and able to move forward, and quite excited as well.

The past week was like I said one of goodbyes, but I was also able to go to Lüneburg and see a teacher of mine from San Angelo as well as Gradon, which was fun and exciting to see people I know and who speak English like I do.

I am spending the next week with the team in HH, and I am excited to spend quality time with them and my last days with Steph. It will be nice.

Father has shown me so much while here, and like I said I feel like I have grown up a lot. I am learning to like myself for who I am and see myself the way Father sees me... there is so much I could ramble on about, but I would rather not. I see and feel how I have changed and I know that feeling will deepen once returning to the states.

The two weeks I have in Dallas will be jam packed, not only do I want to spend super quality time with Family, but I want to see friends also, not to mention I have to go through every belonging I have ever owned and figure out what I want to keep and what I want to take to San Angelo. :) So the stress from that can bother me, but it will all work out. I am looking forward to seeing so many people!

everything is packed.
I have to check an extra bag.
I hope everything is the right weight.
My room is clean.
I am thankful for Sara and Sean's help.
The weather has been rainy and cold here.

I am leaving for HH on Friday.
I come to Texas soon.

I think Japanese is a pretty language, even though I can only say 3 things. I like train rides (sometimes), I like walking through forests, having no idea where I am going, I love climbing mountains in Arizona, I enjoy deep conversations that involve matters of the heart, I love to sing, I like when it rains, but not too much, because then I begin to miss the sun. I love when I meet someone who also believes in Jesus, and I love my roommates, and best friends. I enjoy dancing in cars and eating at the nearest drive thru (even though it is unhealthy and costs money), I also like meeting people I haven't seen in a billion years for coffee (or wingstop). I enjoy cooking and I like fake meat, even though I am not a vegetarian. I love listening to stories my grandmother tells me about when she was young. I love speaking in German. I love healthy foods, and I usually crave amazing salads. I like to teach and disciple, and also love being taught. I love when people pour truth into my life, and I love that I serve a savior bigger than me. I truly believe that my life is not my own and I long to place my heart into the hands of Father... and I long to find myself... in Christ. I long to establish myself in a community, no matter where I am... God is teaching me that I am human and he is good.

in a couple of weeks, I will be back in the texas culture. Yes I am excited, but also a bit nervous. After two short weeks in Dallas, I will be in San Angelo, taking a 16 hour work load and working 30 hours for Information Technology, writing contributing articles for the newspaper, and hopefully finding myself active in clubs like.. German Club, Mu Alpha Gamma, etc. I also hope to have time with friends, and time for myself... and time to seek Father with all that I am. I am thankful for the past month. It has been so so so good, and I have learned so so so much. I am thankful for that.


Last week T in Mü passed away. I am thankful I was able to meet her and her fam. I am proud of who she was, and how she poured into my life the 5 days I had with her. The news was a shock, but it felt good to cry yet also rejoice because of how obedient she was to Christ and to know she is a rock star and in heaven. :)

I simply send this to ask if you think about it.. to keep the germanic region in your prayers. :) Thanks.

I am ready for something constant. I feel as if Father is telling me to simply "sit and listen." To not focus so much on traveling here or there, what the future holds. He is promising that the future, as far as what I am to do, who I am supposed to be with, what relationships I am to have, what degree I am supposed to get from school, when I should finish school... all these things are in his hands. I feel that Father is calling me to stay... to go to San Angelo, to truly live life there... to find myself in Christ and Christ alone. I don't constantly want to be inbetween two countries... not now. I am placing all my hope in Christ.

Yesterday, July 9th 2008 I went on an adventure. This adventure was like many I have had, but is also one that I will remember... probably forever (I have to say probably, who knows... I may get alzheimers or amnesia... you never know, friends). The day started off like most Wednesdays, I woke up, ate a typical German breakfast (amazing bread with hard boiled eggs and cucumbers and tomatos) and went to my elections class, of which we talked about Campaign Financing (luckily I am currently an expert on the topic as I just wrote 12 pages over the matter). The conversation in class turned to advertising and media. I made the following comment, "As silly as it may sound, Americans really love to advertise on T-shirts." Roland, a fellow classmate said in the next few years he sees the same happening in Germany, but you also see parties advertising by handing out condoms. (Germans have low birth rate... I think it is because they practice safe sex... AND they teach children how babies are made when they are in grade 2 again in grade 5). Lena, a good friend of mine made the comment to Roland, "yes, but you cannot wear a condom in public." She was simply trying to make the point that a shirt, or a button allows for MORE advertising for a candidate as one wears the shirt... a condom, does not. Hilarious.

We left the class and went to Sara and Sean's neighborhood. We found ourselves in the middle of a concert.... it was the Gymnasium's (German Equivalent to Highschool and Community College) last day of school. Old women were dancing, as well as 5 year old children. Again, Hilarious.

We ate a bite of lunch at subway (they have free refills) stopped for a coffee at Balzac (German Starbucks Equivalent, with much better drinks and much better whipped cream) and then RAN to our train (okay everyone ran... i walked slowly and enjoyed my coffee.. woops) and sat for 30 minutes until we arrived at Nordstemmen. Today... we were going to see a Castle. This one... to be exact:

After the short train ride, and me telling Maurice about what I had been learning from Christ and from the wonderful (and not so wonderful) situations I am currently finding myself in, we found ourselves standing clueless at the bus station. No busses go to the castle. Do we call a taxi? Do we walk? We begged Maurice to ask the only person nearby (why maurice? He speaks fluent German, as he is half German). The lady told Maurice no busses go to the castle. But we could walk! and it would only take THIRTY MINUTES!! We checked with Sean to see if walking would be alright, as he has a bad knee he had surgery on only a year ago, and lately it has been hurting him moreso than usual. He said it should be fine... we wanted to see the castle and walking was the cheapest way. (free) So we walked.

I started writing this June 6th and write some every so often... so I am putting it all together on here.. feel free to read, if you want to. :) And to avoid confusion, it is basically about a girl who is realizing she is placing worldly desires, wants (be it any type of sin.. materialism, jealousy, etc) before Christ. I quoted a lot of scripture as well, so I guess I cannot claim it as my own work.

Quiet, but pulling on the depths of her heart, she felt it. Deep in her skin, on her bones, she could feel the mystery pulsing through her veins. Constantly guarding herself, not wanting to be given into vulnerability, she painted for herself a face that even she was beginning to believe was her own. Day to day she denied her soul's deepest longing, day to day she avoided the reality of the condition she was in.

"He said he was there for me, yet he allowed me to hurt, he allowed me to believe intimacy led to violation. He sat back, while he knew the depths of my heart were being raped by someone or something I truly believed loved me. I didn't feel his pursuance. Why did this happen? Was it my fault or his? There are days I feel the fool, I feel trapped. There is this Japanese horror film about a man trapped in a mirror, watching yet not being able to participate, to live... that is how I feel. He knew it was happening the whole time. I don't know why he didn't stop him from ripping me apart, from causing me to stumble and break apart. Why didn't he say anything or ask me about it? I guess I never thought I would long for him to rescue me, but I did. "

She laid in the midst of the dark night, crying for him through her tears. He promised never to leave, so where was he? She wanted so badly to blame him, to be angry with him. She wanted to hit him with her fists clenched so tight until she collapsed on the floor in tears, because she realized it was her fault. She knew deep down she could blame herself. She had slept with another, when she knew the truth. Through tears she admited out loud to herself, "I uncovered my legs, I showed my disgrace... I quickly became a lover of pleasures, I am the whore-- the babylonian shouting with not only my words but with my eyes, 'I am, there is no other.' I thought no one could see, and deep in the depths of my heart I again cried, 'I am, there is no other.' My soul is at war with my heart, with my mind. When will I learn? My soul burns and my heart faints within me... I am so dirty, and I long to be clean... but who will ever love a whore? SAVE ME! The waters have come up to my neck. I am in deep waters, the flood sweeps over me. I am weary. Answer me! Can you hear? Save me, I cannot do this on my own."


He allowed this because he is good.




(i guess to be continued?! ehh.)