I started writing this June 6th and write some every so often... so I am putting it all together on here.. feel free to read, if you want to. :) And to avoid confusion, it is basically about a girl who is realizing she is placing worldly desires, wants (be it any type of sin.. materialism, jealousy, etc) before Christ. I quoted a lot of scripture as well, so I guess I cannot claim it as my own work.

Quiet, but pulling on the depths of her heart, she felt it. Deep in her skin, on her bones, she could feel the mystery pulsing through her veins. Constantly guarding herself, not wanting to be given into vulnerability, she painted for herself a face that even she was beginning to believe was her own. Day to day she denied her soul's deepest longing, day to day she avoided the reality of the condition she was in.

"He said he was there for me, yet he allowed me to hurt, he allowed me to believe intimacy led to violation. He sat back, while he knew the depths of my heart were being raped by someone or something I truly believed loved me. I didn't feel his pursuance. Why did this happen? Was it my fault or his? There are days I feel the fool, I feel trapped. There is this Japanese horror film about a man trapped in a mirror, watching yet not being able to participate, to live... that is how I feel. He knew it was happening the whole time. I don't know why he didn't stop him from ripping me apart, from causing me to stumble and break apart. Why didn't he say anything or ask me about it? I guess I never thought I would long for him to rescue me, but I did. "

She laid in the midst of the dark night, crying for him through her tears. He promised never to leave, so where was he? She wanted so badly to blame him, to be angry with him. She wanted to hit him with her fists clenched so tight until she collapsed on the floor in tears, because she realized it was her fault. She knew deep down she could blame herself. She had slept with another, when she knew the truth. Through tears she admited out loud to herself, "I uncovered my legs, I showed my disgrace... I quickly became a lover of pleasures, I am the whore-- the babylonian shouting with not only my words but with my eyes, 'I am, there is no other.' I thought no one could see, and deep in the depths of my heart I again cried, 'I am, there is no other.' My soul is at war with my heart, with my mind. When will I learn? My soul burns and my heart faints within me... I am so dirty, and I long to be clean... but who will ever love a whore? SAVE ME! The waters have come up to my neck. I am in deep waters, the flood sweeps over me. I am weary. Answer me! Can you hear? Save me, I cannot do this on my own."


He allowed this because he is good.




(i guess to be continued?! ehh.)