What is your legacy?

June has brought an awakening in my life. The month began with the stress of school, a (horrible) sickness that forced rest upon me, a computer crash, a stolen bike and the end of a chapter in my life (and not to be forgotten: another loss of a cup for Germany...).

I am thankful for these things happening. God is teaching me and drawing me close to him. Sure, it can be confusing, but it is needed. We have been taught to dread pain, that pain is synonmous with having no where else to go, having "nothing left." When in all reality pain gives more than it takes.


I haven't shared many photos from Hannover... here are some from yesterday...

I am waiting for the words to write themselves. Can anyone read something lacking words or thoughts or feeling or a bit of myself woven into each word, each letter, each stroke of pen on the paper? I have journals, of which I have become the author. I have fashioned the words, I have formed the thoughts, the characters, the passions, the desires and then... I hide them away, from the rest of the world. Yet, writing a book, with my feelings laying bare and open before eyes that will analyse and add their own thoughts... that is scary.





I am in a bit of pain right now, things going on that are confusing and uncertain, but I don't blame God, I asked for this. As I look through journal entry after journal entry I see that I have asked for my heart to be broken, to be rid of sins and selfish desires, for my character to grow. I have begged for clarity, and asked for lessons on trust.



God is faithful to answer prayers, so even though I am in a time of my life where I have to remind myself to breathe every few minutes, and I have to wipe a tear from my eye here or there... I cherish this, in a weird way... because no matter what the outcome, no matter how long this week seems to take... I am learning, and Christ is teaching me.



also i like messages and i miss many if not all of you reading this... so if you are bored... send me any messages you desire. love you all.

well my computer crashed... so I am computer-less. That means bumming off other computers in order to get school work done. On the bright side-- it means I get to go 2 months without a computer of my own, which I am actually excited about-- I think I will learn a lot in this time, and maybe this ups the chance of me getting to own a macbook! ;-)

Oh gosh, i am learning so much and i have no idea who to share with... Now to say that the lessons were happy and feel good, awe inspiring would be one thing, but for the first time, in a long time I am learning. It hurts, and it's hard, and my character is for sure being built. I can see that I'm learning and I can even place a finger on what I'm learning, but at the same time it is confusing and causes me to question and ache. Within all the things I am learning, I am constantly being reminded to seek Christ first in any and everything. I have about 2 months left here. I return to the states, with no clue as of when I will leave them again. My heart finds itself longing for rest, longing for a place where I feel I can establish myself, and a place I feel I will be for awhile. My heart longs for other hearts to invest in and spend time with. My fear is that I will always long for this and never find it, because I am always looking toward "when" it will happen-- always placing it in the future, something that WILL happen... something that isn't for now... when in reality that is what Christ has been calling me to do every day.

For the past month I have felt a genuine pull at my soul. I have heard Christ calling my name. Hopefully that isn't read as corny, hopefully you hear the reality of that. Christ has taught me that he is God, that his ways are higher than my own, that he is God despite the pain, the joys and that HE never changes, situations, relationships, cities, people, every day life, school, language, culture, these things change, but HE is constant. I am unsure of everything, but can be certain of Christ. The future, I am unsure of. My relationships I am unsure of. My goals in life, I am unsure of. What I feel should be my career, I am unsure of. How I think about something politically, I can be unsure of. So what can I be certain of? Christ. His words. The power in his word. His name. His love. His power, his grace, his mercy. Who he is.

Something else pressing on my soul is divinity. Divine Meetings. Father knows the time and the place and the conversations I will have and when I will have them. I don't have to place so much energy in the small things that I cannot control. He is teaching me that being in love- with him, or with others requires work, that builds you and sometimes hurts but brings joy.Father has been trying to communicate that he takes control of things, that I don't have to walk around with so much weight on my shoulders, that I am given a freedom, and room to breathe. He is teaching me to take the breath that he is breathing into my lungs. To allow myself room, and space.

He's showing me the heart he has given me to disciple, and be discipled. There has been a three to four year process of teaching me this, but he is showing me more specifically how to place these passions to speak truth into the lives of young girls into practice. The venue he has given me the past few years has been overseas, yet I see him calling me currently to San Angelo, and even more specifically than that. I of course have to take away expectations, and give many of my wants to Christ, but I am excited, nonetheless. I don't know the future, but I know now, and I have to look at what Christ is calling me to in this moment. The simple process of that is so exciting. God is so exciting.


I like the excitement that God breathes into our lives. A good friend of mine showed me how exciting Christ is. Simply reading the word and seeing how he was driven to excitement... that this is OUR God. He's GOD... and he is at work around us, in the lives of each person, beginning conversations with them, drawing them near and near, daily. I'll admit, this year has been rough. I sought God, and I sometimes forgot about him. I spoke to people about him and told people "my story." I didn't make sharing Christ a game, which I am happy about. I lived life here as best as I knew how. There were days I lived in expectation and in anxiousness and anticipation, and those days I am ashamed of, but I learned from those days, so I am also thankful.


My time is not over. I am in a time of transition and a time of closing. My heart feels this and is excited and torn in the same moment, but as I said... it is a time of learning. I am excited about this time. Life will change drastically afterward. I am being drawn to change, I am learning things like self-control and praying for father to take and kill many things inside of my heart, to help me push away the things that i allow to hurt me, to help me to notice when I'm walking in the flesh and to learn how to more so walk in the spirit. This is my desire.

I've spent 21 winters and 21 summers (almost 22) on this earth... and Father has taught me each year and he is continuing to draw me near to him, and is calling me to now. to this moment.

What is life and why do we live it? Quite a loaded question, huh? Lately, as I walk through the streets of Hannover or sit in the common area of the school and watch people, meeting with others and laughing, or playing video games, meeting over homework, I realize I cannot imagine any life but my own. Not because I am selfish, not because I don't want to, but because it is impossible. Christ has been drawing me to think deeper, as of late, and I am beginning to feel more like my "old" self, which I think is quite a good thing. I know that Christ has each and every moment set into place, but he is calling me in THIS moment to be obedient to him. Today as I was reading in Isaiah 55, the words I know so well read themselves from the pages, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts..."

It's the first of June... and of course, I'm unsure as to where I should begin. The weather has definitely changed to hot and humid, and the lack of air conditioning is becoming evident. I am learning to find happiness in each and every day.. I am learning to thrill and seek Christ.

Over the past month I have learned some pretty huge lessons. One is that I am human, and that when I fail, even the slightest bit it isn't proof of my sheer and utter unworthiness. I fail, it's natural, and it's not the end of the world. But it hurts and I hurt, but I am learning.

I am learning that people do love me. Even though I deem myself as incapable of being loved, that I have to allow people to love me. When I hear the words, I have to accept that they are true. When I am thinking clearly, I suppose I realize and believe and understand that people do love me. That love doesn't always express itself in adoration. I feel selfish for wanting to feel loved, yet then this month has shown me that I don't give people the chance TO love me. It's natural and not selfish for me to want to feel important or be known by my friends, my family and even Christ.

I long to truly trust in Christ and his words, rather than the words of man. I want my faith to build and continually build.

I have two months left. I want to make these two months the best I have ever lived... where to start, i'm not completely sure, but I feel Father is calling me to something bigger than myself. He is calling me to Him, and I've never felt the call so strong. I long to see Him glorified. I am being drawn to prayer.... deep prayer. Perhaps this is where I begin, and Father will continue to reveal more.

Thank you all,
Lara