Oh gosh, i am learning so much and i have no idea who to share with... Now to say that the lessons were happy and feel good, awe inspiring would be one thing, but for the first time, in a long time I am learning. It hurts, and it's hard, and my character is for sure being built. I can see that I'm learning and I can even place a finger on what I'm learning, but at the same time it is confusing and causes me to question and ache. Within all the things I am learning, I am constantly being reminded to seek Christ first in any and everything. I have about 2 months left here. I return to the states, with no clue as of when I will leave them again. My heart finds itself longing for rest, longing for a place where I feel I can establish myself, and a place I feel I will be for awhile. My heart longs for other hearts to invest in and spend time with. My fear is that I will always long for this and never find it, because I am always looking toward "when" it will happen-- always placing it in the future, something that WILL happen... something that isn't for now... when in reality that is what Christ has been calling me to do every day.

For the past month I have felt a genuine pull at my soul. I have heard Christ calling my name. Hopefully that isn't read as corny, hopefully you hear the reality of that. Christ has taught me that he is God, that his ways are higher than my own, that he is God despite the pain, the joys and that HE never changes, situations, relationships, cities, people, every day life, school, language, culture, these things change, but HE is constant. I am unsure of everything, but can be certain of Christ. The future, I am unsure of. My relationships I am unsure of. My goals in life, I am unsure of. What I feel should be my career, I am unsure of. How I think about something politically, I can be unsure of. So what can I be certain of? Christ. His words. The power in his word. His name. His love. His power, his grace, his mercy. Who he is.

Something else pressing on my soul is divinity. Divine Meetings. Father knows the time and the place and the conversations I will have and when I will have them. I don't have to place so much energy in the small things that I cannot control. He is teaching me that being in love- with him, or with others requires work, that builds you and sometimes hurts but brings joy.Father has been trying to communicate that he takes control of things, that I don't have to walk around with so much weight on my shoulders, that I am given a freedom, and room to breathe. He is teaching me to take the breath that he is breathing into my lungs. To allow myself room, and space.

He's showing me the heart he has given me to disciple, and be discipled. There has been a three to four year process of teaching me this, but he is showing me more specifically how to place these passions to speak truth into the lives of young girls into practice. The venue he has given me the past few years has been overseas, yet I see him calling me currently to San Angelo, and even more specifically than that. I of course have to take away expectations, and give many of my wants to Christ, but I am excited, nonetheless. I don't know the future, but I know now, and I have to look at what Christ is calling me to in this moment. The simple process of that is so exciting. God is so exciting.


I like the excitement that God breathes into our lives. A good friend of mine showed me how exciting Christ is. Simply reading the word and seeing how he was driven to excitement... that this is OUR God. He's GOD... and he is at work around us, in the lives of each person, beginning conversations with them, drawing them near and near, daily. I'll admit, this year has been rough. I sought God, and I sometimes forgot about him. I spoke to people about him and told people "my story." I didn't make sharing Christ a game, which I am happy about. I lived life here as best as I knew how. There were days I lived in expectation and in anxiousness and anticipation, and those days I am ashamed of, but I learned from those days, so I am also thankful.


My time is not over. I am in a time of transition and a time of closing. My heart feels this and is excited and torn in the same moment, but as I said... it is a time of learning. I am excited about this time. Life will change drastically afterward. I am being drawn to change, I am learning things like self-control and praying for father to take and kill many things inside of my heart, to help me push away the things that i allow to hurt me, to help me to notice when I'm walking in the flesh and to learn how to more so walk in the spirit. This is my desire.

I've spent 21 winters and 21 summers (almost 22) on this earth... and Father has taught me each year and he is continuing to draw me near to him, and is calling me to now. to this moment.