What is your legacy?

First, I am going to just tell everyone and choose to not be embarrassed by a new adventure in my life. Last weekend I took a little girl home for her mother. Turns out she had lice, and turns out that I got it as well. With a quick visit to the apotheke (pharmacy) and a few treatments and washing my sheets and clothes and disinfecting everything, everything is fine and gone. xx It's been a learning experience and even though it freaked me out, and the pharmacist had to explain all in german and assure me with a smile that this is normal and i'm not a social outcast or dirty because I had lice, Father has truly taught me through it.

So yeah... but more importantly:
I have been reading Ephesians 1 for the past two weeks. Originally it would be that I would read Ephesians in a week. Then, as I was enthralled by Ephesians 1 alone, I decided I would read one chapter a week. Two weeks later, I am still captivated and daily reading Ephesians 1. I'll eventually get to the 2nd chapter...

There are many things that fascinate me about the first chapter of Ephesians. On surface level these are things I know and have heard and believe, but as I have taken the time to really sit on and dwell on the words and what Christ was saying through Paul, I am allured more and more into the word. I wish you were here with me. I am sitting in my dorm room, and even though my room isn't the most wonderful accommodation, one thing I love about it is the view. It's not too grandiose, but I can sit at my desk, and stare through the huge european window (much cooler than the ones in the states) at the trees, or the rooftops or the busyness of city life and breathe it all in. I sit here, reflecting on life and the one that Father has given to me, and I pray that He would give me his wisdom and knowledge, but what is striking me today in the first chapter of Ephesians is the prayer that my heart would be enlightened.

I have recently begun to read The Sacred Romance, and as I read in correlation to Ephesians 1 I am feeling an obligation to pray for the resurrection of my heart. An obligation to truly return to my first love, Christ.

Many of you have heard me say that one of my favorite things to do is sit in a coffee shop, stare out the window and get lost in thought or in writing. Whether that is writing for self, a letter to others, or even writing for class, it's in those moments that I feel peace. I feel romanced, a wooing if you will. I know and believe that those feelings are of Christ. We've all felt this. I'm convinced of it. I remember feeling this love and this pursuance so intensely while sitting on a bench in Köln, crying and letting the rain soak me, as I learned new things about life, my life, the life I was being called to, and our Creator. In one way or another every single person has felt this wooing by Christ, we just don't know how to place a finger on what or who these feelings are coming from.

So... dare I say it? I long for Christ to be my lover, to pursue me, I long to have an affair with Him, that he would search me and know my heart and know me intimately. I want to know more of this Christ. I long for him to open and enlighten my heart.


Me being Kenyan

She walked slowly down the side walk as the rain misted down on her bare skin. She shuddered and pulled her coat on, and looked to the train on her left, "no I'll walk," she thought. She turned on the ipod put her backpack on her back and began the 20 minute walk home. Halfway home, she stopped, turned her face to the rain and the clouds and smiled. "Thank You."

I've been drawn to prayer lately. Not just a "oh i'm praying for you" prayer, but really, really TRULY praying. I've been reading Ephesians I began chapter 1 last week, and... well, honestly? I'm still in chapter 1. On surface level, I read it and think "oh, i know this." but do I? Do I really know and believe and dwell on what I'm reading? So I'm reading and I'm praying what I read. I don't want to study to memorize or study because I'm supposed to, but I want to know more of this God I worship. He loves me enough to teach me through situations and experiences and ups and downs, and through his word. He has allowed me to see sides of him, and a new side of him that I am truly in love with-- I want to learn more about this God.

I say I want to obtain reality. I'm learning that the only reality is Christ. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That's truth, that's reality, nothing else is.

nothing else.

Today, as I was reading in Acts 4, I was reminded of what brought me to this year in Germany, and where my heart is currently lying. Today I found myself upset at the thought that I may never live permanently overseas, but Father reminded me of something great today...

"... grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus." And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness." - Acts 4:29(b)-31


Well let me explain a little of my story, even if you already know it... In the beginning of my high school years, I was introduced to a book "The Iron Curtain" by Brother Andrew. I fell in love with the book, his story, and longed to live a life such as he. In fact since then, I challenged myself to pray for the 'iron curtain' - 10/40 window whenever my clock said 10:40 I would pray. Still to this day if i catch that time on a clock, I have to pray. I was a "leader" in the youth. Not a bad kid, I always seemed to have the "right" answers, but felt like something deeper was missing and I longed to be challenged. My sophomore/junior year I read Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, and also books such as "Cost of Discipleship," and of course Don't Waste your Life by John Piper (who DIDN'T read that?!). I was intrigued. I knew there was more. I knew I didn't want to get lost in things such as apologetics and know all the theology behind things. I just longed for more. My junior year I was at Hot Hearts, where I was approached by Brad, given a card for iWit and some literature and I went on my merry way. A few days later I found myself with a deep longing to go overseas. After meetings with my youth minister, it seemed as if my youth group would have the chance to go, but we hit some bruises and hiccups and with other things going on my youth minister ended up leaving, feeling called elsewhere (going to bacon heights, linley's church! - i need to throw that in, simply for kicks). I felt as if I had lost all support. Why was I dreaming this big? "Me? overseas? I never have money to go to camp, and that is only $200. " I didn't apply, but already a recommendation had been sent into iWit. Around February of my senior year I received a phone call from Ky, telling me they were interested in me applying based on the recommendation. I applied. Japan. By this time I had a new youth minister. I was told by the church staff I couldn't present the trip to the church and ask for support. I wanted to give up. Perhaps God wasn't calling me to this after all. Perhaps I was going for selfish reasons. I received all the money, I left and God broke my heart for his people, for the nations. I left Japan knowing this is what Father was calling me to... to speak his name, to live intentionally. Since then, He has taught me more. I'm learning that overseas or not, life is the same, people are the same, and most importantly my GOD, my KING, my SUSTAINER is the same. So thus, this heart that once beat for "being in a foreign land" is learning that wherever God calls her, whether that is Germany, Japan, Dallas or even places like San Angelo and the like, Texas, that there is life there, there ARE lives there calling out, calling out for a savior. I want to live intentionally, i want to Christ to use me, to live through me, to reach people through me. Even if that means I have a "normal" job, in a non-exotic place, in a culture that is very much my own. And you know, if he calls me overseas, dang. i'll go, but it's not a priority... where he leads, there i must follow.

It's amazing how much changes in 4 years, how it feels like just yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. I've spent the past hour looking through old online albums from when i was in highschool, and i don't know it's cool to see who I was, how i've completely changed -- some changes good, some not so much. It's amazing to look at pictures of myself before i had any idea of how missional my heart would become, pictures from when my heart was changing and feeling my heart growing, and what's cool is that... we never stop growing. interesting.


I'm reading the bible chronologically and it's incredibly interesting. I've been thinking a lot about Noah, even though i haven't read about him for two weeks, he won't leave my mind. I keep imagining a sunny day, the birds chirping in the air, people busy-ing themselves with life, running errands, meeting friends, laughing, enjoying life. And amongst all the business I see Noah. I see him in silence, alone. Praying and weeping, calling out. I see him confused, but willing. I see him grab his tools to work and I see him beginning to build. I SEE his faith. Matthew Henry said "Every blow of his [Noah's] and hammers was a call to repentance, a call to them to prepare arks too." Amongst all the things of this world, I want to be able to hear God's calling. I want to be obedient, even when I cannot understand. I want to ask for forgiveness, and plead with the Lord to help me live in HIS ways and not my own.


Father has been reminding me to abide in Him the past few days. I was reading an article quoting Hudson Taylor, which said "As I thought of the Vine and branches [in John 15], what light the blessed Spirit poured into my soul! I saw not only that Jesus would never leave me, but that I was a member of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. The vine is not the the root merely, but all -- root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit. And Jesus is not only that: He is the soil and sunshine, air and showers, and ten thousand times more than we ever dreamed wish for or needed. Oh, the joy of seeing this truth! I have seen it long enough in the Bible, but I believe it now as a living reality. I have now got to make myself a branch."


Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you. Abide in my love - Jesus, John 15



I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Ezekiel 36: 26-27

also please visit this link, a video and some pictures put together for me by one of my closest friends here!!

I feel sometimes that we live in competition. We don't live for God. We live to be noticed. We don't live to even be noticed by God, but we live to be noticed by fellow believers. Look how godly I am! Look how much I know! Look what verses I can recite! Look and listen to me pray! Look how much in love I am with God! And then I sometimes stop and wonder... how disgusted is God with me, because I sometimes do this? We forget who we are worshiping. We get wrapped up in ourselves and our image, even fooling ourselves that we are "really" wrapped up in God. I want to look full in his wonderful face. I want the REALITY of him, even though it hurts, even though I may not know as much as the person who sits next to me at bible study, even if I don't raise my hands during worship, even if i do. If I have tattoos or don't. I'm tired of the "Christian culture" and i'm ready to know God.

"For I know my Redeemer lives, and at last he will stand upon the earth. And after all my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me." - Job (19 25-27)

Yesterday I caught a drunk guy trying to pick pocket me, so that was exciting. He didn't get anything though. And today I watched another drunk man on the other side of the train stop fall face first onto the tracks. It was horrifying, really. He's fine though. After that experience, I realized how lucky I am that I am not bound by things of this world like so many are, and that I have freedom in Christ. Those aren't just words, but I think it came clear to me today. Even though that shook up my emotions, I'm glad Christ allowed me to witness that -- I've been happy today, since. I think Germany is caught up in depression, especially during January and February, i'm told. I think many drink to feel something and then continue drinking so they won't feel. It's sad, but I see that. I am drawn toward happy faces, and kind people on the train. I'm learning what "sucking it up" looks like, and realizing all that Christ has offered and is offering me. He is forming me, and it hurts, but I'm thankful. I'm seeing a very different Germany than i'm used to. I'm used to the summer months and the happy smiling faces, not this dreary, grey country I've been experiencing. Classes start tomorrow so I spent the day at work and then I went and read a book and did some studying and then ran some errands. Classes end in 3 weeks, but I will still have one I'm doing online for Angelo, and then another language class that I'm taking at the language center.

I sat on the couch, in pajama pants, reading my bible when she came up to me.
"Lara?"
"Ja?"
"Gehst du jetzt nach Hause?"
I looked her in the eyes and shook my head.
"Bleibst du hier?"
Again I looked her in the eyes and nodded.
Her glee filled my eyes with laughter as I continued to read my bible. Earlier that day, she cried tears because she wanted to be a baby. Never before have I seen a five year old in tears because she longs to be a baby. At first I found myself in wonder and almost wanting to laugh, but as I watched the tears fall from her face, I realized she was crying parts of my heart. How often do I try to grasp the past, and hold it and not let go? How often do I cry tears because I am not comfortable in my life right now? I cry because where I was was easier and more comfortable and more convenient than where I am right now. How ridiculous it must seem to sit here and cry over things that are just life. Just as Kat will never be able to become a baby again, nor will I be able to live yesterday again. A few hours later I was reading the story of Noah out of Genesis out loud. She placed her hand on mine and said "do you know what this means? we must stay friends forever." (but it was in german.. not english). As I laid down that night for sleep, I thanked Father for speaking to me and comforting me through simple words of a child.



-p.s. i enjoy playing monopoly with credit cards.
i still love apfelschorle.
i am lately intrigued by Ezekiel 16
"you are not surprising Him by your being there. You were called out. He is big enough for this and our obedience to Him is a part of the answer. You already have everything you need to succeed there."

"Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting-top and whispered, 'Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now.' The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very little - better... An albatross...circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow... But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, 'Courage, dear heart,' and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's." - The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight to receive you." - Aslan to Shasta, The Horse and His Boy