I woke up early this morning, which is not much different than every other morning (we've been working out...), but today's reason was much different than usual. A friend of ours, had her third baby boy today. I went up to the hospital and saw the reveal and spent some time with the family. It's amazing how God can take a small instance - in this case, new life, and change and tweak a little bit of how you think about the world, about self, about what's important in life.
It's hard for me to think deeply lately. Everything is day to day - surface level, and I would say right now my prayer is for me to calm down, take everything not just one at a time, but take every single task in my day and give it to Jesus. I care a lot... too much, about small things, that in the end don't change the world. They matter, but not eternally-- I'm forgetting the eternal aspect, how can I make what I do further the kingdom of God? How can I change what I do so that it does bring glory to God, that he can use that task and change someone's heart and mind forever?
Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in his wonderful face.
The things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace.
A friend of mine once told me that I have the tendency to get too concerned about the things OF God, that I forget God.... and oh, how he was right. I need to turn my eyes on Jesus, and look full in his face. That's where I am at right now.
I want to know how to love. That's my prayer. I want to stop living life for self, and learn to love. My heart longs to be somewhere else... in another place, and some days, in another time. I want my life to be buried in the gospel and my only goal and mission to speak the name of Jesus, and show the love and heart of Jesus. But for some reason, my mind is tricked into thinking that that is only for overseas. I've learned global local, but I don't fully comprehend how to apply that. I'm ashamed by this, and frustrated. In many ways, I don't feel like I have a team of people to walk along side, when really-- that's what the church should be. I believe the lies that I am too different, not funny or witty enough, not "cool" or "fashionable" enough... i'm not fun enough. Those are the lies I believe.
I don't feel like I have a place. I don't have a place among our peers, I don't even feel like I truly have a place where I work... and the part I struggle with the most is whether these feelings are valid or lies from the enemy. I just need to pray that Father would let me see where I "fit in". I long to see where his place is for me. So i'm praying. Perhaps, Father is preparing me (us) for something else during this time.... there are reasons for going through these seasons, for allowing us to feel certain ways and experience certain things.. but I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to learn from this and apply what I have learned.
also 61 unreached people groups in the USA. learned that from the joshua project, today.
<3
Lara
