**warning i was def in a weird mood when i wrote this and side note to all of you.. i definately DID start falling asleep again at the fachhochschule while writing this and i decided not to repeat what I had done a couple of days before and I came back to the hostel and slept for 2 hours in the staff room... it was much needed sleep, but it's so hard to even WANT to sleep when you want to be on the field...



I am sitting in the Fachhochschule (school of applied sciences) in the library, watching people study. Okay…. No, watching GUYS study. Because you see, just like in America VERY FEW girls are interested in subjects such as engineering, and cars and polymer junk. I promise… the fact that there are MANY boys here, is definitely not the reason I feel inclined to spend so much time here. I just sat here asking a guy who speaks very little English what he is studying and he had to tell me like 3 times and it wasn’t that I didn’t understand what he was saying in Deutsch, nor did I understand the subject he was telling me in English, I just didn’t know what he was saying… because the topic is so over my head. He finally said, “cars, I study cars.” Ooooh Alright. Way to go me, not only am I a ‘dumb American’ I look like the token dumb American girl. So, why exactly do I feel called to this area? I have had a special place in my heart for this school since we had visited it last year, and this year, I have continually wanted to come to the school. And to make matters worse it seems J thinks this is where I need to be also. First of all, it’s confusing, because there are so few girls, second of all, I don’t understand anything about science… I would rather be at the university speaking with philosophy or journalism students. However, here I sit in the library watching people argue over what they are studying, watching people laugh and sip their coffee, watching people hold their head in their hands because they are so tired of studying. Sounds typical of a college library, ja?

However, as I sit here I notice that it is in the strangest places here that God stirs my heart… For example, the obvious is here, but I LOVE going to do my laundry. Not because the crazy cool machine that pours soap or being able to sit on a washing machine and listen to my ipod, but because people just sit there waiting on laundry and strike up conversations. People that I know I would see on the street and think “ooh scary, but what a cute dog” or someone I would see and think “man, I wish I had the drive to just say HI to this lady” are not so intimidating anymore. I think it has something to do with seeing someone's underwear as the put them in the washing machine that makes it easier to talk to them. Ah haha... psyche.

I made the mistake of telling M (a professor here at the school and a good friend of J’s) that I need to practice my German, because I’m going to school here in a year. Now he only speaks to me auf Deutsch!! I respond and he laughs, and probably thinks “there is no hope.” He did tell me not to listen to my favorite Soccer player’s German because it is horrible (he’s from Poland, and the poor guy… everyone gives him such a hard time about his accent…) I am very sad too though. Podolski is going to play for Bayern Munich. I don’t like Bayern because they buy all the good players and most of their fans are only fans so they can always be on the winning side. Whatev. AND Ballack is leaving Deutschland to play for Great Britain. My world is ruined. (actually the only reason I know all this junk is that the people who really do know it tell me so I act like I know it)

I got into a good conversation with my Turkish friend about Dirk Nowitzki… but Dirk hurt my feelings so we’re not talking about him right now.

Okay Awkward… I was sitting at an empty table and 4 german boys came to study. My heart is saying “okay please don’t talk to me… VERY awkward.” And then my heart asks, “God!! Why can’t you send a German GIRL to sit at my table, so that it doesn’t seem like I am ‘flirty fishing’ as I get into a conversation with them…” Agh. I just won’t talk to them OR make eye contact. They are studying physics looking junk anyway, so I definitely won’t get into a conversation because all I know about physics is that.. if I jump from a building I will hurt myself. That is basically it.

Seriously… what am I doing with my day? Am I just wasting it away? Or am I learning, am I thriving, am I finding God in the present moments? (Random thought: Germans have the coolest clothes ever) I get distracted by noise… not physical noise… noise such as: man, I am thirsty, or I don’t feel like doing such and such, or hmm I wonder what school is going to be like. (Another Random Thought: I am going to admit it, the boy sitting next to me is REALLY cute…*sigh*) And again, note the random thoughts.. what is that? NOISE.

So last night I was pondering… why does it always take me a while before I share my story. So much of me wishes I was like the apostles in Acts that could not stop speaking about what they had seen and heard… however, I don’t do that. I tend to wait until I get to know the person so well. A lot of me is like “well this story means so much to me, I can’t tell just anyone..” but then that upsets me because I TRULY do want EVERYONE to know. I mean, if I had just met you today I wouldn’t tell you my deepest longings and my deepest fears… I would wait until we knew each other like family, brother and sister, I would wait until I could trust you… I think that is how I am with my faith. I’m not giving myself an excuse as to why I don’t share as often as I should or could…as I sit here and evaluate, I come to believe it’s truly just how my personality is…