I will be truthful. There are days that I absolutely hate it here. I am recording this not for only you to know, but also so that I may remember... I dont know how to explain it. There is a grey here. I hate it. I hate not seeing the hankerchief miracles and I know it is because I dont have the faith to see them. I am tired of only hearing about great things happening elsewhere-- although each time I do it gets me excited beyond expression. Tonight, a depression hit me. Maybe I shouldnt use the word depression. I find myself missing what once was, and wishing for what could be, all the while being more satisfied with what I have. If you have never felt that way, it is quite a weird feeling to have.

Sometimes being a leader is hard. I want to be a part of the team... and I think I am but it is hard to tell sometimes who truly is a friend, and who is simply playing the part because you are the "leader." There are days I dont feel I belong in this position, because I am unworthy, and incapable. Then there are days when I know this is where I belong. There are days I feel evaluated, and torn apart, and there are days I feel comforted and excited.

Why does this suprise me? Because life is always and will always be this way. You have your ups and downs, you have your highs and lows, and the days of complacency. But I seek to be desperate, so desperate, my throat becomes dry from screaming His name.. that only his living water can quench and heal... I want to be so desperate that I LITERALLY cannot breathe without Him. Father treats us all equally and that is what is so great about Him. He has no favorites. I count down the days until I see Father face to face.. I truly do. No, I am not saying I dont wish to live anymore, what I am saying is true LIFE is what I long for...

I find true life, some days. The days when Christ just grips me and pulls me in. The days when I see the ancient work and the strong need for him.

Its hard to see the need here. Here I see life. I see happiness. I see a joy that I cannot explain. They have something I dont have... and I am trying to offer something they dont seem to need. Why is this something I so desperately need? I know I do need it, and I know they do too. But i dont see desperation in their eyes. I dont see the LONGING and Hurt and desperation that I saw in Japan... and i hate comparing the countries, as they are two different cultures.


Its hard here. I hate it not being black and white. I hate that I know the language sometimes.. when really i dont know it at all. I hate the grey. I hate the fog. I want to see TRUTH. I dont care how dirty the truth is. I want to see this place STRIPPED.


and I dont care what is in paris or rome..
i want to come home.

(thats a song lyric.. heh. i am clever)