I feel horribly sick. I'm not exactly sure why, although I think it has to do with a lack of rest, not eating well, and stress from exams and my thoughts/worries.

My mind keeps tracing back to a year ago, and how I spent the holidays. The year in Germany feels like a dream. I don't talk about it much, and when I do it's a small memory here and there, but to be honest, that year is the one year my life was shaped, formed and molded. My heart grew to love, it grew to hate. I fell and I stood back up, and I grew up in Germany. Don't get me wrong... I still have a lot of growing up to do.

I was once told by Brandon Mclean that I was too mature for my age. Too mature in my thoughts, and my understanding and passion for Father... He told me it was a good thing, but probably why I hurt when others didn't understand, or care to understand. I'm not sure why I think the way I do, why I went home crying on Sundays during high school because no one cared or understood the words that were read from the Bible or the true love and faith of Father. At the beginning of the semester I recieved a phone call from (one of)my favorite couple(s), Krystle and Brent.. and Krystle pointed out that she was recently wondering why she didn't understand the things I would talk about in Sunday School during High School and why she was just now beginnign to understand those things. She said she admired me. I mention this because I don't understand... I say all this because I'm trying to work it out. What makes me so different? and am I really different? I honestly 100 percent believe that I have a capability of understanding things with my mind and with my head but it is harder for me to act out, to understand things with my heart and simply GO.

When I was overseas it was incredibly hard for me to share my life with others. With believers, sure... sharing life was easy. People constantly noticed my heart for discipleship, for helping others understand what Father is calling us to do, and people immediately noticed my heart for worship... but there were weeks when I would never see the chance, or take the chance, to share my story or my faith. I was damaged. My heart was confused. How could I say that this is what we're supposed to do, while at the same time I can't share Christ the way I would like to. I was challenged to learn to live life with nonbelievers once I got home. I was instructed to find a church home, but to stay away from Christian clubs on campus, mainly because i would quickly find myself in a Christian bubble... unable to learn life with nonbelievers. Living overseas doesn't really equal having constant believers around. On the way to San Angelo in August of 2006, this was reinfored, as I listened to Afshin say "If our prime directive was to become saved, wouldn't we simply go to heaven after we accepted Christ... we obviously are here for something else." I wanted to learn life. And San Angelo brought that to me.... and really prepared me for a year abroad.

I've been given friendships overseas, Betti, Lena, Jana, Jessica, The S family, Park, Bogdan, and more. He has set a passion in my heart for them, for their life and their culture, and the year overseas put me in situations that were relationship built and it was life. We sat over coffee/dinner discussing philosophy and faith. We laughed, we shopped, we got to know each other.... and I shared my life, and my story. Last Christmas, we sat in the warmth of a german house, with no germans around, but we read Luke. I somehow became fluent in German, was able to read the story and talk about my faith. We played music, we laughed, we drank wassel :-) <3 It was glorious.

So this Christmas, I remember that. And my prayer is that the family remembers the story of Christ during this season, remembers the festivities, and yearns and longs to seek out Christ.

That's my heart's cry. I want them to know, and I love them, and I really want to sit with them and drink tea and speak our foreigner's german. right now, please.